New York, NY: Voters are in a frenzy today, as the public has learned that normal voting machines were replaced with more contemporary and complicated vote compilers.
While many past elections have used the lever puncher, oval fill-ins, and the occasional “write a name and put it in the box” techniques for counting votes, this election marks a larger surge of electronic polling systems. These range from touch-screen machines to building your own computer programming in C++ to complicated maneuvers on a Dance Dance Revolution dance-pad in order to log in your votes for president and local legislature.
The touch-screen voting machine is very similar to a bank’s ATM. A voter enters the curtained 
enclosure and proceeds to enter their voter registration number, telephone number, social security number, bank routing code, the zip code of the hospital the voter was born at, followed by *61. Only then may they enter the selection screen, which is half red and half blue with tiny pixels sporatically placed around the screen for the 3rd party candidates. Any input errors will automatically register a vote for John McCain.
The C++ booths entail another curtained enclosure with an AppleII GS computer at a small desk. Here, voters must write a code where the computer will answer with the name of your candidate if the question, “Who’s the raddest man in the land?” is inputted into the DOS screen. The code is believed to be easily written in about three hours by a computer programmer from the 1980s. Any error messages within the code will automatically register a vote for John McCain.
The Dance Dance Revolution booth is comprised of a large screen television and a DDR console mat. In this booth, voters are required to input complicated dance steps, depending on the candidate being voted for. Any errors due to missteps will automatically register a vote for John McCain.
It has not fared well for voters. Many senior citizens, upon entering the electronic booths, have suffered mild strokes, while being automatically registered as voting for McCain. Some of the younger voters have rioted at the voting stations upon learning that the programming and dance steps for candidates such as Nader and Barr are almost impossible for a human with the normal amount of brainpower and appendages to successfully complete.
Even the editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick Emmel, seemed lost and confused as he was found in a voting booth bleary-eyed and drooling while scratching the name “Axl Rose” into the screen of the ATM-type voting machine with his car key.