Washington, D.C. –An intern at the Smithsonian Institution has discovered the whereabouts of presidential hopeful John McCain’s birth certificate in the most unlikely of places – a spider’s web in the basement of the venerable institution’s research library.
Abigail Pressler, 25, was assigned the task of cleaning a corner of the basement when she 
noticed what appeared to be a ball of paper trapped in the center of a nearby spider web. Upon closer inspection, she noticed that the paper had an “aged” look to it.
“My curiosity got the best of me and I reached for the piece of paper,” said Ms. Pressler. “As I grabbed it, the black widow spider who constructed the web must have gotten upset at my intrusion because the petulant little monster sunk her fangs into my hand.”
Ms. Pressler was able to latch onto the web’s mysterious contents before blacking out due to the toxins from the bite. When she awoke in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, she discovered the piece of paper still clutched tightly in her hand.
“I opened it and saw that it was a birth certificate,” she said. “And then I looked at the name. It was John McCain’s!”
Experts later analyzed the document and are unilaterally confident of its authenticity.
“It appears as if John McCain was born on March 26, 1890 in Norfolk, Virginia,” announced Dr. Jonas Brubaker, a leading expert on carbon dating. “So that would make him one hundred and eighteen years of age, as opposed to the highly suspicious 1936 date of birth he and his staff have claimed.”
A spokesperson for the McCain campaign categorically denied the existence of the document.
“There’s no way that’s true,” said Jim Bob Johnson, a “proud blue-blooded Republican” from Alabama. “Why, that boy ain’t a day over a hunnert (which, in hillbilly speak, translates into “one hundred”).”
When confronted with the document, Johnson admitted to being illiterate, but promised that he would pass along the document to party officials.
This new age scandal has also affected many comedians in the stand-up circuit. “Now what the hell am I going to do! My whole comparison between McCain and that other mumbling, cat-napping, intolorable good ol’ boy, Matlock, has lost its humor. Now instead of a joke, I’m reiterating what those jobless pundits in Washington are saying. F*ck this!” stated Lewis Black.
“Wow, that’s a pretty good joke! I think I’ll try that at my next stand-up,” remarked Dane Cook upon hearing Lewis Black’s reaction.
In other news, Ms. Pressler suffered permanent paralysis to her right hand and has filed a lawsuit charging the Smithsonian with negligence for their failure to maintain safe pest control standards.