Los Angeles, CA- According to industry insiders, Perez Hilton (real name: Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr.), the well-known blogger and television personality, is a closeted homosexual. Hilton, disliked and feared by many in Hollywood for his gossip columns, claims that he is, in 
fact, an outspoken homosexual. He has even gone so far as to state this on his website/gossip page, www.Perezhilton.com.
“Yes, I’m gay,” he says. “I thought everybody knew that. Duh.”
But many are finding this hard to believe, as Mr. Hilton has a reputation of not only stretching the truth, but also avoiding it altogether. Nicholas Cage, for one, does not believe the rumor.
“Ah, there’s no way he’s gay,” Cage says. “He’s straight.”
Julia Roberts agrees. “He can’t be gay. I hate it when people spread rumors like this. It’s such a petty Hollywood thing to do.”
Some insiders blame the rumor on Hilton’s repeated attempts to “out” homosexual actors such as Lance Bass and Neil Patrick Harris. It is said that both actors only admitted to their homosexuality after being pressured by Hilton and his readers.
“It’s the ‘gay mafia’, man,” says Hollywood veteran Dennis Hopper. “David Geffen, N.P. Harris, and that guy from ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ You have to be careful, man, because those guys, man, they’ll get you.” He paused. “Hey, man, you’re not wearing a wire, are you?”
“I’m gay!” Hilton swears. “This is not a rumor. I love men. I love men as much as I love food. Well, almost as much as I love food.”
Many are unconvinced by Hilton’s statement and believe this is a publicity stunt.
“If Perez Hilton is gay, I’ll become a Democrat,” promised John McCain hours after the report. Later, McCain’s spokesperson, Nancy Pfotenhauer, dismissed the declaration, blaming it on McCain’s failure to take his anti senility medication.
“He’s getting old and doesn’t know what he says half of the time. Give him a break, will you?” pleaded Pfotenhauer.
Hilton plans on releasing a statement sometime today pertaining to his sexuality and promises that “all you doubters are going to be sorry.” He also promised to release a video of a tryst featuring himself and an as yet unidentified male.
Hollywood is waiting with bated breath.