Los Angeles, CA: Lindsay Lohan, the highly regarded actress/musician/model, was recently awarded with the prestigious “Big Sister of the Year” award by the Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Greater Los Angeles. In front of a crowd of 3,000, Lohan graciously accepted the engraved plaque 
as her purported lover, Samantha Ronson, stood beside her.
“Thank you so much for this,” Lohan said. “This is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I know right where I’m going to put it. Um…”
The crowd waited patiently for her to say exactly where the plaque was to be placed, but no answer was forthcoming. Instead, a glazed look came over Miss Lohan’s face and according to one fan, she “looked stoned out of her mind, dude.” After thirty seconds of silence, Lohan was escorted from the stage by Ronson and other hangers on.
Nonetheless, the crowd roared with approval. As she exited the stage, Lohan’s “little sister,” Jennifer Doyle, 10, stumbled drunkenly onto the stage and began to speak into the microphone. However, due to her excessive alcohol intake (her blood alcohol content was reportedly 0.35, more than four times the legal driving limit in California), her speech was noticeably slurred.
A translator, Tara Reid, long recognized as an expert on drunken slurring and other inappropriate behavior, was brought in to decipher Ms. Doyle’s speech.
The following is a transcript of Miss Doyle’s speech, according to Reid:
What’s up, people? Woo! School is so stupid! Yeah! I’m going to get crunk and drunk and funk. Woo! Lindsay is, like, the most awesome girl I know. She’s my homegirl, yo. She taught me everything I know about livin’! When I grow up, I’m going to be an actress. And I’m going to get wasted every night and party like a rock star twenty-four seven. And if you don’t like it, you can kiss my ass!
After vomiting onto the podium, Doyle was escorted from the stage and taken to a nearby rehabilitation facility catering to pre-teens.
When reporters later asked for possible reasons for Lohan’s earlier behavior, her publicist blamed it on “menopause.” When told that menopause was rare for a woman in her twenties, Lohan’s publicist responded with “no comment.”