Stratford-upon-Avon, UK: Keanu Reeves, long recognized as one of the finest actors of his generation, has decided to retire from his current career as a film star and accept a position as Director of The Royal Shakespeare Company. His office will be located in the Courtyard Theatre in Stratford-upon-Avon, the very town in which William Shakespeare was born and raised. Mr. Reeves 
couldn’t be more excited with this latest career move.
“Dude, I’m totally excited to live in England and run this theatre,” said the actor. “It’s, like, crazy. Like, dude, they do Hamlet and stuff. I love Hamlet, man.”
While most theater-goers are impressed with the selection of Mr. Reeves as director, there are a few souls who expressed disapproval.
“I simply cannot believe this,” claimed Martin Northcutt, a Royal Shakespeare Company stagehand for the past thirty-seven years. “Keanu Reeves? That bloke is the worst bloody actor I’ve ever seen. This will be the end of the Royal Shakespeare Company. You mark my words.”
Keanu Reeves, however, ignores such criticism and in the words of Roger Ebert, “marches on in the pursuit of creative perfection.” His film career has spanned a total of 22 years, acting (perfectly, according to most) in classics such as Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure/Bogus Journey, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, and Johnny Mnemonic. He believes that the experience gained in these films will only facilitate him in the effort to maintain the reputation of the Royal Shakespeare Company as the best regarded publicly funded theatre company in the world.
He is slated to begin his job on January 1, 2009 with a salary 60,000 pounds. Although it’s nowhere near the sum paid to play ‘Neo’ in the Matrix trilogy, Keanu isn’t concerned. According to his accountant, Reeves “has set aside approximately 180 million dollars as a nest egg. He’s set for life.”
Sir Christopher Bland, who leads the 17 member Board that makes all decisions regarding employment at the Royal Shakespeare Company, says, “I’ve been – no, we have been enamored with Mr. Reeves and his work since we saw him play ‘Don John’ in Much Ado About Nothing, which, in our opinion, was, quite simply, the best film of 1993. And Keanu’s portrayal of the evil brother of Don Pedro? Spot on, I say!”
Reeves agrees. “Yeah, man, I remember that movie. The lines were, like, kind of hard or whatever. And Kenneth Branagh was kind of mean. But, like, I was calm and got through it, you know? People still say I should have won an Oscar for it. I kind of have the same opinion.”
As do we here at the Inept Owl, Keanu.