Knoxville, TN–After 27 years, a Knoxville man actually completely finished off his “honey-do” list. He celebrated the accomplishment by taking a guilt-free Sunday afternoon nap for the first time in decades.
“Well, it wasn’t easy,” said James Davis, 53. “But after the first 15 years, I started getting smart. First, I 
ripped out all the grass and turned everything into flowerbeds, so there was no grass to mow. I planted perennials, so I wouldn’t have to go back and plant new stuff every year. And I actually salted the earth everywhere there wasn’t a plant, to make sure no weeds—or anything else—ever grew in those areas.”
Inside his house, Mr. Davis took an equally pro-active stance. “First off, I put a coat of polyurethane over the paint, so it would never fade and need to be redone. Then, I just started pounding nails into the wall. There’s a nail spaced every 12 inches in the wall, so whenever a new picture needs to be hung, there’s a place to put it.”
Furthermore, Mr. Davis put a cable jack, phone jack, and six electrical outlets in every room of the house—including closets, bathrooms, and the pantry. He said, “Sure, it might seem like overkill. But I just knew that someday the missus would want to plug in her hairdryer in the linen closet, or watch the Food Network in the pantry. And Lord knows that, if I still had teenagers, one of them would be holed up in their closet talking on the phone and griping about the poor reception on their cordless.”
The house, which was bought in 1983 for $70,000, has an estimated $250,000 in upgrades, repairs, and updates in it. The former 2-bedroom, 1-bath ranch-style home now has twice the square footage, more closets than it used to have total rooms, and an entire nursery worth of landscaping materials. It is estimated that the Davises have single-handedly kept the Sherwin Williams company in business over the past two decades.
At first, Mrs. Davis was speechless. She allegedly spent 12 straight hours wandering around the house, desperately searching for something that had been left unfinished. She even reportedly ventured into traditional “man refuges” like the basement and garage in search of tasks. After suffering what may have been a mild nervous breakdown, Mrs. Davis acknowledged that nothing further could be done inside or outside the house.
When asked for comment, the neighbors were not very forthcoming. The local husbands have refused to speak with or about Mr. Davis since his accomplishment. At least one petition has been circulated in the area demanding the Davises removal from the neighborhood; apparently, the Joneses are tired of trying to keep up with them.
The Davises have decided to take a week and visit Florida in search of a vacation home. While Mr. Davis would like to invest in a timeshare condo on a golf course, Mrs. Davis has been eyeballing fixer-uppers along hurricane-prone shorelines. She seems to have a preference for homes on stilts or ones with large windows facing the shore.