Today, the next chapter in the Spears’ family saga was written, as older brother Bryan Spears revealed that he is pregnant.
Spears is world-famous for his work producing Nickelodeon’s “Zoey 101,” which, in an odd coincidence, is the show his sister Jamie Lynn Spears stars in. Bryan Spears’ other credits include playing himself in sister Britney’s reality show and posing next to his siblings on various red carpets. 
This newest revelation, however, propels him firmly into the spotlight. At his press conference outside Ralph’s Barbeque Hut in Kentwood, Louisiana, Bryan said, “I just felt that the time was right to announce this. Perez Hilton has been rummaging through my trash can for weeks. I had to hide the pregnancy test in a trash bag with five dozen copies of Brit’s greatest hits album—it was the only way I could be sure nobody would dig through it.”
For the past several years, newspapers have focused on the Spears’ family mommy parts; from mother Lynne’s dance-mom tendencies to never take a microphone out of her mouth, to Britney’s experimentation with an eco-friendly, panty-free lifestyle, to Jamie Lynn’s efforts to fulfill every southern stereotype in existence, the Spears women have garnered the lion’s share of attention. But Bryan’s pregnancy has finally given him the trump card.
Doctors in Louisiana are amazed by the development, as it is relatively uncommon for males of the species to carry children. Dr. Lowenbrau, chief of obstetrics at the Kentwood Hospital, said, “We have seen many unusual cases here. People impregnating stray dogs, sure. Cows, even. But for a man to be impregnated is nearly unheard-of.”
However, publicist Joe Stofchek said the true bombshell was yet to come. “Oh, sure, the fact that a human male is pregnant is a medical marvel and all, but the real story here is that he is actually married to the mother,” Stofcheck said. “Err, at least, I’m pretty sure he is.”
Reporters for The Inept Owl were unable to verify his marital status via the usual sources—Wikipedia does not have an entry for Bryan, and court records for Kentwood, Louisiana are not yet online (in fact, they only recently switched from a typewriter to a word processor for their record-keeping purposes). Also, phone calls made to various “Spears” entries in the phone book for Louisiana were not returned, apart from angry respondents who were apparently unrelated to the family.
Upon hearing the news, it is rumored that sister Britney began humping the leg of a male orderly at the hospital where she is recovering from “exhaustion.” Likewise, Jamie Lynn spent the evening snorting Pixie Sticks off the abs of Chippendale dancers and taking photos of herself in compromising positions at the local petting zoo.
Regardless of who comes out ahead in the battle for publicity, it is virtually guaranteed that the loser will be the American public.