Biologists have discovered that the holiday season is having an adverse effect on the environment. They have found that the world’s forests shrink much more rapidly in the months preceding Christmas. The primary culprit: Christmas greeting cards.
The shocking statistics come courtesy of The Granola Group, a non-profit organization dedicated to conservation efforts, world peace, and other hippie causes. Dr. Toefeld, head of The Granola Group, explained that those seeming-innocent holiday greetings are actually a grave threat to our planet.
“When you think about it, it’s rather obvious,” Dr. Toefeld stated. “Every year, a given family will send dozens of cards to people they barely know, and haven’t spoken to all year long. That’s paper. They’ll probably send a family photo, complete with drooling baby and the dog wearing reindeer antlers. That’s paper. And they’ll likely include a letter talking about family events; how Johnny beat his painkiller addiction and Suzie is pregnant for the 7th time. That’s paper.”
The Granola Group estimates that, each year, the world’s forests are reduced by an area approximately the size of Texas just for Christmas card stock alone. Since only the uber-liberals in places like San Francisco seek out cards made from recycled material—and at that, make sure that they boast about it and irritate others, making those other people less likely to use the cards themselves—the deforestation is a growing concern.
“Just last year, a dozen species went extinct as a direct result of Christmas deforestation,” said Dr. Toefeld. “Thankfully, they were species nobody cared about; grubs and bugs and other icky stuff. But it’s very possible that someday it will affect something cute and cuddly that we actually care about.”
The biologists have suggested several steps you can take to reduce your environmental footprint in future holiday seasons.
- Do not send a card to someone just because they sent one to you. You don’t suddenly like them more just because they sent you a card.
- Quit sending the Christmas letter. Nobody cares.
- Don’t have gift receipts printed. It might seem classier to have a custom receipt that doesn’t show how much you’ve spent. However, when the recipient takes that clearance sweater back to the store because it doesn’t fit and has to exchange it for something else, they’ll figure out that you only spent $7 on it anyway.
- Don’t give books as presents. That’s more paper. Besides, nobody reads anymore anyway. Give them audiobooks, or e-books, which have been the alleged wave of the future for the past decade.
By following these easy steps, you can do your part to ensure a green Christmas. And while it may annoy your friends and family, it will make Captain Planet happy.