Washington, DC: In his first act since the issuing of the National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive, George W. Bush has canceled the upcoming 2008 presidential election, citing a threat to democracy. The Commander-in-Chief issued a statement from the White House steps yesterday explaining his actions.
“The US population would be profoundly affected in 
the event of a presidential election in 2008. The introduction of a new administration would disrupt the current infrastructure. My ability to function as this great nation’s leader would be undermined on an extraordinary level. New policies regarding the environment and the economy may prove severely affective. These possibilities present a definite threat to the American way of life as we’ve come to know it over the past six years.”
The White House unveiled Bush’s latest executive order, the Federal Uncertainty Act: Loss of Leadership/2008, earlier this week. Although analysts debate the popularity of the new act, banners emblazoned with ‘FU ALL in ‘08!’ were spotted around the Washington, DC area.
Expected to go into effect immediately, the FU ALL will allow Bush sole command of all executive departments and agencies; all State, local, territorial, and tribal governments; and private sector organizations, including the Girl Scouts of America. Insiders predict Bush will be instated as ‘Grand Troop Mother’ within the next month.
When questioned about the Federal Uncertainty Act, House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer responded, “No comment.” Hoyer later retracted his comment, stating that it was “poorly conceived” and “possibly misconstrued”. He added that he and the rest of the Democratic party are “…very enthusiastic about [Bush’s] ideas. Revenues from the sale of the new ‘Cheney Chew’ cookie afford a promising solution to the nation’s economic woes. We’ve reviewed the recipe, and it sounds delicious.”
Cheney Chews, a shortbread biscuit topped with caramel and coated in dark chocolate, are expected to hit the market in two months. Although expected to be popular, rumors that they will replace communion wafers have been dismissed.
Bush commented briefly on the sweets at the end of yesterday’s groundbreaking announcement.
“You can’t get more American than cookies. Either you like cookies, or you’re a terrorist.”