CRAWFORD, TX: At a press conference today, President Bush vowed to veto any efforts to have him removed from office, now or in the foreseeable future.
Speaking from a barcalounger at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush told reporters that he would strike down any attempts to force him to make way for a new President. Bush said, “I have come to the decision that changing horses midstream is a terrible bad idea. And since this war on terror—a war that will not have an end in any real sense—continues, I must continue on as leader of the United States of America.”
Bush noted that any arbitrary timelines for withdrawal from the office, such as the one proposed in the 22nd Amendment, are unconstitutional. He also dismissed the idea of benchmarks, stating that issues like approval ratings, budget deficits, and lack of success in any political arena over the past several years, are irrelevant and unfair ways to judge progress in his administration. He pointed to his many successes instead.
“Listen, it’s been years since I choked on a pretzel or fell off a Segway. I’ve not thrown up in a foreign dignitary’s lap, nor have I slept with anyone while in office—including my wife. I’ve not been shot or contracted polio. I’d say as far as presidential administrations go, this has been a pretty darned good one,” Bush said.
An early poll of members of Congress on the issue showed mixed results. When asked about the idea of legislation decreeing that Bush become the Grand High Poobah of America, complete with judicial immunity and appointment to the position for life, the vote fell largely along party lines. A survey of all members of Congress present on Capitol Hill on a Friday afternoon found five Democrats against the legislation, and four Republicans in favor of it.
Dave Hobson (R-OH) stated that the survey shows that Democrats are impeding the workings of American politics. From his office, Rep. Hobson stated, “There is a ridiculously strong bipartisanship at work here. Democrats need to stop working against progress and join us. Just because they’re the majority, elected to do a specific job by their constituents, doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t fall in line with us when it comes to domestic issues. Or foreign issues. Or any other sorts of issues, whatever they may be.”
In response, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY/AR) held a brief press conference from the Hackensack County Fair in the middle of her “You Know My Last Name” tour to drum up support for her presidential candidacy. She was quoted as saying, “What Republicans are not acknowledging here is their own hypocrisy. When I first made my name known as a political contender, people worried that I’d make Bill my Vice President and that I’d resign immediately to let him take over the country in violation of the term limits placed on the presidential office. Please. When I’m elected, I’ll serve the office loyally and happily leave the office after my 12 years are up. Wait… what? Oh. Right. 8 years.”
With the president’s official position on the issue being a clearly-spoken “neener, neener,” it appears that legislators have their work cut out for them, whenever they decide to return to Capitol Hill to do their jobs for a while.