Hollywood, CA- The audience at this year’s Academy Awards was stunned as Chris Burke was called up to the stage to receive his Lifetime Achievement Award. It was not the fact that he had won the award, but how he had stated he won it.
That could be summed up by Mr. Burke’s acceptance speech. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a confession.” Then in a clear, intelligible tone, stated, “I never really had Down’s Syndrome, but thanks for the award. Suckers!” Mr. Burke then flipped off the audience of the Kodak Theatre with both hands and sauntered off the stage to a chorus of booing and screaming fits of anger.
When Chris Burke was interviewed later, he expounded on his surprise announcement. “There’s not a whole lot to tell. It began in grade school. No one paid any attention to me. I sat alone during lunch time. I wasn’t disliked by anyone, just ignored. Then one day, I was sitting in class and was asked to name the capital of California. I had a cold at the time, and when I responded, ‘I don’t know,’ it came out weird. Everyone started laughing and smiling at me, so I decided to talk like that from then on. People just assumed I had Down’s, and with all the new attention, I figured, why the hell not let them. I was finally popular.”
The conniving bastard then went on to explain how he ended up on television with the show Life Goes On: “Money, baby. My parents are filthy rich, so getting on TV was no problem. What kept the show going was my acting skill. What evil snob is going to admit to not supporting a poor retarded kid? No one, they all watched because they all wanted to be part of something fulfilling. What a joke. The show was a hit because of my disability, which is why I won my award in the first place. The only people who knew the truth were my parents and the girls I was banging in the back of limos. Believe me, there were plenty, but not enough to blow my cover.”
When asked about his music group, Mr. Burke became silent for a moment, then explained: “It was just another scam to make money and receive tax write-offs. I didn’t particularly enjoy prancing around dressed up as Elvis or my other characters, but you do what you must to pay the bills. Joe and John were good guys, so I let them believe they were working for a good cause. I had forgotten to mention to them that the donations to the Corky Foundation went directly to my bank account.”
We asked the greedy fucker about his plans for the future: “Kick back and screw hot babes, like I’ve always done. I have more money than I know what to do with. There’s really nothing else to do except hang out and go to trendy night-clubs with a female model under each arm. Even though people probably hate me now, I’m still getting the attention I want, so it’s win-win. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a party at the Playboy Mansion to attend.”