Browsing: Sports

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With the eyes of the world upon them, with the hopes of the nation resting on their shoulders, and with over a hundred years of history and tradition to uphold, the first plane-load of returning English football fans landed at London’s Heathrow airport today, under a black cloud of despair.

Just as every Brit who followed the unfolding lackluster debacle from their favorite armchair, or pub, or car radio, will tell you, this is a day to drop our heads in abject shame at such a wasted opportunity.

What we had all seen was a string of missed chances, a general disinterest in attacking the other sides, a lighthearted, almost ‘holiday’, mood to what could and surely should have been a defining moment on the world stage.

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Pittsburgh, PA: Denizens of Pittsburgh, trying to recover from public scorn over the exploits of disgraced quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, have embraced a new taste sensation: the Rotten Burger.

This new burger, being sold exclusively at local Pittsburgh Biff Burger franchises, is aimed primarily at the 18-21 single female population in an effort to obtain the highest sales. Studies have proven that Pittsburgh (and Georgia) females in this age group are particularly attracted to large, ugly men who can throw oblong objects real far. Good looks, being not only optional, but frowned upon, are not factored in by this group, in an effort to enlarge this pool of men. In related news city officials are also looking at a plan, similar to that fictionalized in the book “The Stepford Wives”, which would involve creating a suburb that can serve as a hub for such men and the women that love them. This suburb would tentatively be called Rothlisburgh.

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New York, NY: The New York Jets, looking for a complement to lock down cornerback Darelle Revis, have signed free agent Antonio Cromartie in a move seen as expected and no surprise at all. In addition to his skills as a cornerback, Cromartie apparently has other skills as well that sometimes involve bumping and running.

Cromartie, who has twelve children living in five states and has been named in at least five paternity suits in the past two years, welcomed the new contract with open drawers, er, arms. Interviewed by Suzy Kolber for ESPN, Cromartie remarked about his contract. “See Suzy, it’s like this. Football is the sport closest to my heart, but bumpin’ nasties is the sport that’s closest to my crotch. And I’m really, really good at it. In fact…damn Suzy, you are fine! Has anyone ever told you that?”

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Pittsburgh, PA: In what seems to be a regular occurrence these days, lines of women have stepped forward accusing Ben Roethlisberger of naughty behavior. In what no longer seems to be surprising and in somewhat related news, a unique genetic mutation was discovered, strongly linking Ben Roethlisberger and beloved autistic bear, Winnie the Pooh.

As the floodgates opened, 243 new Roethlisberger accusers have stepped forward, including a few Piglets. Roethlisberger, now known around the league allegorically as the ‘QB of very little brain’ had this to say: “Uh, what?”

When the situation was explained to him using nursery rhymes and cartoonish pictures, Mr. Roethlisberger clarified his statement. “I’m still not sure what all the fuss is about. I’m a quarterback. I’m rich. My nickname is Big Ben. What else could a woman want? Or young girl, in most cases.”

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Indianapolis, IN: In the wake of the New York Jets’ improbable season, a season in which every conceivable break was needed just to get them into the playoffs, it has been discovered that an organism isolated from the anus of obese head coach Rex Ryan could be responsible for their collapse.

Scientists at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York were alerted to the fact that several Jets players in recent weeks were hospitalized with upset stomachs. After psychological evaluations were given to determine if the players were simply upset because they were aware of how undeserving they were to be in the post season (which was confirmed by pundits nationwide before the Colts re-confirmed it for the masses on Sunday), scientists looked elsewhere when those evaluations proved inconclusive due largely to diminished mental capacity, a malady that afflicts both Jets players and their fans.

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Greenwood, SC: In a day full of highly insensitive events in the NFL(the Jets winning, the Vikings breathing additional life into Brett Favre’s improbably and perpetually overrated career), perhaps the most insensitive actions came from Bears fans in the wake of the untimely death of young DL Gaines Adams. Fans decided to take their ire out on General Manager Jerry Angelo for giving up a 2nd round draft pick (now a high 2nd rounder due to the Bear’s dreadful season) for essentially a corpse.

“At least Adams could move when we traded for him, now what do we got?” incensed fan Tony Marino stated. His friend, Larry Miller, added, “In all honesty, I think the production would be similar if Adams is out there next season anyway.” This elicited laughter and high fives from the long time Bears fans.

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In an exclusive telephone interview with The Inept Owl, the biceps of world-famous home-run hitter Mark McGwire came clean about the slugger’s past behaviors. The following is a transcript of the conversation:

MMB: “Listen, man. I shouldn’t even be talking to you, but the big guy’s in the middle of his nap, so this is the only shot I’ve got. It’s time to set the record straight about all this.”

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Dallas, TX: Tony Romo, mired in an up and down start the last few years, has taken it upon himself to sue Merriam-Webster for their recent updated entry of the word “douchebag” in the 2010 edition of their standard bearer, Merriam-Webster’s 2010 abridged Dictionary.

Citing unnamed sources, WESPN has reported on their website that the following leaked definition (along with incriminating photo) was shown to Romo and precipitated the lawsuit.

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Thousand Oaks, CA: California authorities have stated that a clash between supporters and haters of the Oakland Raiders ended with one fan biting off another man’s finger.

Ventura County Sheriff’s Capt. Frank O’Hanlon said about 100 people were demonstrating in favor of signing a petition to gain power of attorney over Al Davis, who is severely afflicted with late stage Alzheimer’s, for purposes of taking him off life support and signing a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order. Davis, who before being found was last seen far from home walking the streets of Oakland dressed only in his custom made diapers embossed with the Raider logo (making him easy to identify), had repeatedly resisted attempts to send him to a nursing home.

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Cleveland, OH: Actor/rapper/social satirist Shaquille O’Neal announced this morning that, having attempted nearly every other career field known to man, he will begin in the fall to play professional basketball.

O’Neal, who is best known for his well-composed postings on Twitter, has had a varied career. Shaq’s first love, of course, was music; he has had a half-dozen releases, selling literally dozens of copies. He has spent time in Hollywood, starring in such blockbusters as Kazaam, Steel, and Scary Movie 4. When he was not able to demand the salary of a Harrison Ford or a Justin Long, he moved on. He has been a deputized law officer for some time, inspiring Steven Segal to enter into law enforcement himself.

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