Category: Politics
Obama Fails to Change World in Six Months
Washington, DC: As President Obama reached the six-month anniversary of his taking the Oath of Office, his administration was officially dubbed a failure by the American populace.
“That good-fer-nothin Muslim promised us all sorts of stuff, and none of it’s happened,” said Cletus Popper, a Kentucky coal miner. “The war in Eye-raq, the Tally-ban, free healthcare for my young’uns… none of it! If I’da registered to vote, and if I’da voted for Mr. John McCain, I bet I’d be sittin’ on a pile of hunnert dollar bills right now.”
N. Korea and U.S. To Begin Rap Rivalry
Washington, DC: Tensions have risen this week between North Korea and the rest of the globe, as North Korean officials have lambasted sanctions by the United Nations for their testing of short range fishing rockets, or as politicians call them, ballistic missles, as well as underground nuclear detonation tests.
The United States in particular has been addressed by North Korea, considering the U.S. has been the most vocal nation behind Japan about North Korea’s weapons programs. North Korea, through newspapers addressed to its own people, has stated that any impediment would be met with retaliation “a hundred bazillion-fold.”
Cheney Defends Waterboarding, Insanity
Washington, DC: Former Vice President Dick “Shotgun” Cheney, an outspoken opponent of the Obama administration, has stepped forward and announced that waterboarding is an essential tool for fighting terrorism. He also insisted that the Central Intelligence Agency never tortured anyone and kept the United States safe from further terrorist attacks. President Obama disagrees and has banned the practice of waterboarding, an interrogation technique he calls “cruel and unnecessary.”
“Of course he said that,” countered Cheney. “He’s a freaking liberal. Next thing you know, he’ll try banning the removal of fingernails with pliers, or electrocution by cattle prod, which, I’ll have you know, is quite effective when attached to the testes. It sure as hell worked on my son-in-law.”
Governor Schwarzenegger to Terminate Deficit
Sacramento, CA: This week marked a great upset against the noble and knowledgeable Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Proposition 1A, an economic plan meant to strengthen a poor economy by spending at the worst possible time, was voted down by the majority of Californians.
Due to the failure to bolster tax revenue, the state of California had instated a plea to the federal government for financial aid. This also has met with resistance, both from the state of California legislature as well as Capitol Hill.
Activists Ruin Susie’s Tea Party
Greensburg, PA: Yesterday marked a sad point in the life of young Susan Wolffe, as the sophisticated tea party she was holding with her kindergarten friends and a Hannah Montana doll was violated by a group of angry protestors who had camped out in front of her window before entering her home.
The trouble began when Miss Wolffe walked around her kindergarten class, at St. Joseph’s Preparatory School just outside of Pittsburgh, the day before. Citing parental intrusion about the party being too big, Miss Wolffe was forced to invite only ten of her fifteen classmates. The selection was largely based on whether or not a student liked or did not like her “favorite, all-time greatest singer and actress ever,” Hannah Montana.
President Loses Tie Clip in Front of Saudi King
London, UK: The G20 Summit became a bit of a spectacle last week, without the help from global economic troubleshooting. The event in question was when United States President Barack Obama allegedly bowed to King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia during the Summit’s “Meet and Greet Cocktail Hour.”
During the initial meeting between the American president and Saudi king, it was noted that upon shaking hands, President Obama went into a crouched bow, as if in a subservient genuflection large enough to be noticed, but probably small enough to inspire a Sensei to whip a student with a bamboo rod.
Bloomberg to Ban Public Gas Emissions
New York, NY: Michael Bloomberg, the über-rich mayor of New York City, has put forth another measure in an effort to decrease the air pollution levels in the Big Apple – a citywide ban on the release of bodily gases in public places. Some see this as an indicator that Bloomberg has let his power go to his head, while others widely praise his decision. A spokesperson for Bloomberg stated that the mayor is still working on getting approval for fines and/or jail time for repeat gaseous offenders.
“So, wait a minute? First I can’t smoke in my favourite pub, and now I can’t even fart?” asks John Duggan, a construction worker from Queens. “Since when did New York become so lame?”
Palin Jealous of Kennedy’s Respect
Washington, DC: Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is lashing out at the press for what she perceives to be preferential treatment in regards to Caroline Kennedy’s bid for the soon-to-be empty New York State Senate seat. According to Palin, Kennedy is receiving copious amounts of respect from the press corps while, she, Palin, was battered relentlessly by the same press corps while acting as John McCain’s running mate on the Republican presidential ticket.
“I’ve been interested to see how Caroline Kennedy will be handled and if she will be handled with kid gloves or if she will be under such a microscope,” Palin told conservative radio talk-show host and filmmaker John Ziegler.
Obama Supporters March on White House
Washington, DC: Early this morning, a gathering of about twenty thousand Obama supporters marched on the White House off of Pennsylvania Avenue, and proceeded to set up camp. Secret Service agents were suspicious of the activity outside of the White House gates, which prompted a call to action by the Washington D.C. police.
Apparently, the demonstration was made up of Obama supporters who either thought Barack Obama was to take over as president of The United States of America at the end of the week, or people who just didn’t have anything better to do.
Millions Annoyed By Voting Machines
New York, NY: Voters are in a frenzy today, as the public has learned that normal voting machines were replaced with more contemporary and complicated vote compilers.
While many past elections have used the lever puncher, oval fill-ins, and the occasional “write a name and put it in the box” techniques for counting votes, this election marks a larger surge of electronic polling systems. These range from touch-screen machines to building your own computer programming in C++ to complicated maneuvers on a Dance Dance Revolution dance-pad in order to log in your votes for president and local legislature.
