Category: Business
Record Sales, Minor PETA Rallies, Predicted With Snow Leopard
Analysts are predicting that Apple’s upcoming operating system, Snow Leopard, will sell five million copies upon its release at the end of the month. Snow Leopard was developed over a period of seven years by dwarfs who inhabit the basement of Steve Jobs’ sprawling mansion and it is expected to retail for approximately twenty-nine dollars and 99.9 cents. The hope is that Apple will finally have an operating system to compete with Bill Gates’ Windows.
Chevy Volt Confuses MPG Specialists
This Tuesday, US automaker General Motors revealed the miles-per-gallon, or MPG, statistics for their upcoming new model, the Chevy Volt. According to their statistics, the vehicle will get “infinity plus one” MPG.
Billy Mays Promotes Zorbeez from the Grave
Sadness was quickly replaced by good business sense today, as investigators uncovered a video of commercial spokesman Billy Mays’ last moments of life.
As a D-List celebrity pitchman for such television-sold items as OxiClean and Zorbeez, Mr. Mays was continually mopping up after accidents ranging from spilt milk to Axl Rose’s morning vomit. Legend has it that Billy Mays showed up at the Exxon tanker spill with merely one pack of Zorbeez absorbent towels, and would have cleaned up the entire Pacific Ocean and all its wildlife if only he had somewhere to wring the towels out.
Steve Jobs Rebuilt
After undergoing a liver transplant this past April, Apple® Computers figurehead Steve Jobs was finally spotted in public this week, in seemingly good health: better in fact.
During the software genius’ disappearance from the public eye due to medical issues, the state of Apple® was as questionable as the possibility of Jobs ever walking the stage in a black turtle-neck again. iPhone resentment was at its peak. Bill Gates had begun running commercials that were were worse than the John Hodgman/Justin Long debates. Steve Wozniak joined a Segway polo team. Many religious groups had claimed the apocalypse was near.
Time Warner Cable to Sponsor Next Earth Hour
This past Saturday marked the third “Earth Hour,” a steadily growing annual eco-awareness hour where citizens of Earth turn off anything that lights up. Cities around the world dumped themselves into blackouts, including Atlanta, Chicago, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Miami and Nashville, Moscow, Hong Kong, Mumbai, Shanghai and Mexico City. Surprisingly, no riots or massive thefts were reported, possibly because no-one could see anything happening.
iPOS 3.0 to be Released
Cupertino, CA: After months of mockery and resentment, but steady sales, Apple has raised the bar of excellence with the sophisticated features present in its iPhone 3.0 Operating System, due to be released to the public this summer.
Carnal Coffee
It’s all go in the wacky world of food and drink this week. The recession-hit industry is rising to the challenge with one coffee shop owner resorting to radical measures to get customers through the door.
Donald Crabtree, owner of The Grand View Coffee Shop in Vassalboro, Maine, thinks he has hit on the perfect solution by combining two of the human races favorite obsessions, coffee and nudity, into one recession-busting business experiment.
Local Wal-Mart Offers Bonus to Shoppers
In an effort to boost sluggish holiday sales, one local Wal-Mart has devised a scheme to attract shoppers this Saturday. According to the store manager, Earl Wickish, the first five hundred shoppers to arrive at the 8 am store opening will be allowed to trample a defenseless man to death.
“I’m hoping that this will attract more people,” said Mr. Wickish. “The sales figures just aren’t what they should be this year. The economy sucks, man.”
GM Releases Gas Fetcher for Hummers
Recently, General Motors has been in a state of flux in regards to their lines of SUVs and trucks. Because of recent economic turmoil, the continuing war in the Middle East, and the continual lost appeal for American-made automobiles, the company had to decide what type of vehicle to market in a time where gasoline prices have peaked and flattened in a matter of days, as well as deal with a stock market that has investors and consumers keeping their finances close to the vest.
Christmas Sales Begin for 2009
Citing a sluggish economy and projecting below-par quarterly numbers, major retailers have decided to boost their flagging sales by beginning their pre-holiday sales for 2009.
