Darin Oswald/Idaho Statesman

New York, NY: The Christmas season seems to get longer and longer every year. The latest events to assure us that the Christmas season will one day be a year-round ordeal came this weekend when it was learned that some Macy’s department stores in the Chicago area would be opening earlier than usual on Black Friday. They would actually be opening on Thursday, Thanksgiving, at 8:00pm.

While Macy’s is not the first national chain to open on Thanksgiving, it is considered one of the most major chains, which will most assuredly lead to most retail outlets opening its doors in the evening of Thanksgiving in the future.

It should not be surprising if stores dismiss Thanksgiving altogether, opening at their normal morning store hours, and maybe even at midnight the night before Thanksgiving to truly expand Black Friday.

The most logical way to abandon the national family dinner altogether would be for stores to serve turkey dinner at their entrances. This way, entire families can come to celebrate Black Friday all day. Televisions that have not been sold yet could be set to the Thanksgiving Day Parade and NFL games.

Of course, certain safety measures will need to be taken. Black Friday shoppers are notoriously bad when it comes to sharp objects, which means that any turkey dinner served would need to be eaten with unbreakable plastic spoons, or by hand using latex gloves so as not to sully the merchandise. Televisions broadcasting the parade or games will need to be locked behind security caging in order to keep raging consumers from ripping the TVs straight out of their outlets, which could lead to minor shock or mortal electrocution.

Still, it will all seem worth it when retailers see those anguished faces pushing through their entrances, trampling anyone who may fall.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.