Browsing: Business

Business
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Fashion Week is not without a party crasher, as dwindling runway starlet Coco Rocha instigated controversy by stating that she was not contracting much runway work because of her fat “size 4” ass.

“It just happened. All of a sudden I found myself drinking a bottle of Evian water, and, bam, I went over 70 pounds. The designer I was being interviewed by literally puked all over his desk and asked me to ‘get the f*ck out’ of his sight,” explained Miss Rocha.

Business
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When it comes to new technology, you can bet on one thing: Steve Jobs will come up with something at the beginning of the new year. No matter how worthless it actually is, you can also bet the price tag will be as ginormous as Apple’s stock shifts.

This past year, Steve Jobs and the people of Apple sat down to brainstorm what new device, or upgrade to an old one, they would unleash upon the world. Was it a fairly priced computer? No. Was it an iPhone that you could replace batteries for? No. Eternal life? Only for Mr. Jobs.

Business
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The National Aeronautics and Space Administration(NASA) is under investigation by the Better Business Bureau(BBB) in a retail war of some of the longest acronym titles in history. The hot-button topic is the sale of used space shuttles.

The situation began when NASA priced three space shuttles at Kennedy Space Center, Atlantis, Discovery, and Endeavour, at $42 million apiece, a considerable sum considering the water damage they had sustained in their “landings” as NASA had listed them on Craigslist©.

Business
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Analysts are predicting that Apple’s upcoming operating system, Snow Leopard, will sell five million copies upon its release at the end of the month. Snow Leopard was developed over a period of seven years by dwarfs who inhabit the basement of Steve Jobs’ sprawling mansion and it is expected to retail for approximately twenty-nine dollars and 99.9 cents. The hope is that Apple will finally have an operating system to compete with Bill Gates’ Windows.

Business
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This Tuesday, US automaker General Motors revealed the miles-per-gallon, or MPG, statistics for their upcoming new model, the Chevy Volt. According to their statistics, the vehicle will get “infinity plus one” MPG.

Business
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Sadness was quickly replaced by good business sense today, as investigators uncovered a video of commercial spokesman Billy Mays’ last moments of life.

As a D-List celebrity pitchman for such television-sold items as OxiClean and Zorbeez, Mr. Mays was continually mopping up after accidents ranging from spilt milk to Axl Rose’s morning vomit. Legend has it that Billy Mays showed up at the Exxon tanker spill with merely one pack of Zorbeez absorbent towels, and would have cleaned up the entire Pacific Ocean and all its wildlife if only he had somewhere to wring the towels out.

Business
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After undergoing a liver transplant this past April, Apple® Computers figurehead Steve Jobs was finally spotted in public this week, in seemingly good health: better in fact.

During the software genius’ disappearance from the public eye due to medical issues, the state of Apple® was as questionable as the possibility of Jobs ever walking the stage in a black turtle-neck again. iPhone resentment was at its peak. Bill Gates had begun running commercials that were were worse than the John Hodgman/Justin Long debates. Steve Wozniak joined a Segway polo team. Many religious groups had claimed the apocalypse was near.

Business
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This past Saturday marked the third “Earth Hour,” a steadily growing annual eco-awareness hour where citizens of Earth turn off anything that lights up. Cities around the world dumped themselves into blackouts, including Atlanta, Chicago, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Miami and Nashville, Moscow, Hong Kong, Mumbai, Shanghai and Mexico City. Surprisingly, no riots or massive thefts were reported, possibly because no-one could see anything happening.

Barely News
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Cupertino, CA: After months of mockery and resentment, but steady sales, Apple has raised the bar of excellence with the sophisticated features present in its iPhone 3.0 Operating System, due to be released to the public this summer.

Business
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It’s all go in the wacky world of food and drink this week. The recession-hit industry is rising to the challenge with one coffee shop owner resorting to radical measures to get customers through the door.

Donald Crabtree, owner of The Grand View Coffee Shop in Vassalboro, Maine, thinks he has hit on the perfect solution by combining two of the human races favorite obsessions, coffee and nudity, into one recession-busting business experiment.

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