Browsing: Barely News

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New York, NY: Ever since the creation of the HOV(high occupancy vehicle) lane on the Long Island Expressway, clever drivers have instigated outrageous plots to beat the system and drive in the lane with no high occupancy whatsoever.

Many have created life-like mannequin torsos, complete with wigs, sunglasses, and even lit cigarettes drilled into the mouth area. Others have used excuses such as “I’m pregnant. This fetus counts, right?”

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Central Islip, NY: Millions of Long Islanders spent most of the past week hidden in their homes. Initial reports indicated that the nature of these shut-ins had to do with the fear of a snowstorm that would have brought twelve inches, enough to frighten residents and humor the rest of the northern continent.

The snow showers did not come, but the residents continued to hide. Why? The answer is obvious: beagles.

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Washington, DC: In an effort to bolster security measures and prevent Nigerian extremists from detonating aircraft on Christian holidays, airports throughout the country have announced plans to begin body cavity searches sometime before Easter. Understandably, this news came as a surprise to many frequent fliers.

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Cambridge, MA: Yesterday, scientists at Harvard University confirmed what many have long suspected: football players possess more than just athletic prowess; they also possess a gene that leads to criminal activity. This news came as a surprise to few.

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Windermere, FL: Tiger Woods, charged with careless driving, fined $164 by Florida authorities on Tuesday, and squarely in the crosshairs of the celebrity and tabloid media, issued a statement Wednesday surprisingly skirting his recent legal and family troubles ostensibly in an effort to seek a different kind of fame.

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Des Moines, IA: There may be some truth to the saying that all women will eventually turn into their mothers, according to a U.S. study that finds daughters age in much the same way as their predecessors.

Plastic surgeons used facial imaging and 3D computer modeling to study the aging process, and found that daughters’ faces tend to follow their mothers in terms of sagging and volume loss, particularly around the corners of their eyes and lower eyelids.

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Boston, MA: One of six Harvard Medical School researchers, who became ill after drinking coffee laced with a toxic chemical, says he does not see how the incident could have been an accident.

Matteo Iannacone, a postdoctoral intern, told The Associated Press on Monday that he immediately noticed a “weird” taste when he took a sip of the espresso he poured from a coffee maker near his research lab on Aug. 26.

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Hollywood, CA: Two months have passed since Patrick Swayze’s death from pancreatic cancer, and his widow has opted to appear on Oprah for a one-on-one interview with the uber rich talk show icon cum Tony Morrison worshipper, Oprah “Harpo” Winfrey. Lisa Niemi, 53, who sucked on her husband’s fame udder for 34 years, is finding it increasingly difficult to cope with living without the financial assistance of her formerly rich, but currently deceased, husband.

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Some English City, Great Britain: The world of third-rate tribute-bands took a slight knocking (more of a distant tap than a knock) this week, as British band ‘Oasis’ split up after yet another complaint from music lovers.

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Flushing, NY: The professional tennis world’s U.S. Open began yesterday amidst controversy over everyone’s favorite life-status updater, Twitter.

In an effort to squash any possibility of “insider information” about players being leaked to the outside world during matches, officals for the U.S. Open banned the use of Twitter during match play in particular, and asked for over-all good judgement when players were Tweeting elsewhere.

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