Washington, DC— The Supreme Court was met with a tidal wave of support today as caps on the total amount of money an individual can give to political campaigns, PACs and parties were deemed unconstitutional in a 5-4 ruling. That support was allegedly sponsored by Huggies diapers, the Coca-Cola Company, and Rick’s Big Ones Condom Depot, due to the T-shirts worn by protesters, lobbyists, and the members of the Supreme Court.
The ruling overturns the aggregate limits an individual can give to a political campaign on the grounds that it violates the First Amendment right of every American to throw as much money as possible to the election of a politician.
“We used to be able to say that you can’t put a price tag on a vote and still keep a straight face,” stated Rick Rudebacker, proprietor of Rick’s big Ones Condom Depot. “Now it’s just impossible.”
It’s not just business owners that are excited about the ruling. Former Z-list celebrity / comedian Pauly Shore is also in line to improve his status with the general public as he can now invest what is left of his 90s fortune in the procurement of politicians that will outlaw mocking Pauly Shore.
“Pauly Shore hasn’t gotten respect since, well, ever,” stated publicist Hilary Ungerman. “Before it could be blamed on lack of humor, or talent, or the catch-words ‘buuuuudy’ and ‘weasel’ not catching on. But now we know the real issue: Pauly Shore had no political leverage to pay for.”
It is believed that Pauly Shore has already reached out to multiple Senators about campaign funding and how the American right to watch Bio-Dome and Encino Man must be protected or forced upon the public if necessary.