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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-10-2014

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We’re back! Back to unlocking the mysteries of the stars in order to learn our paths in life. Back to understand how destiny and opportunity intertwine day to dayastrologist.

For those of you that are back for the free bologna skins, here are this week’s horoscopes! Trust me. I have a telescope.

 

 

 

 

 

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ARIES

You need to work out some of this great energy, so go have an adventure! If an adventure to you means going to work with no underwear on, more power to you.

TAURUS

Your closest allies are in disarray, but you can bring them back together if you believe in yourself and the fact that they’re all just parts of your split personality disorder. I’m sorry, they call it dissociative identity disorder now. Don’t say we aren’t PC.

GEMINI

You may have to take a step back and explain a joke to those who didn’t get it. Oh, I’m a Gemini, aren’t I?

CANCER

You know you deserve that raise or gadget or vacation, so go for it! And when the police question you for petty theft or armed robbery, tell ’em Moonbeam said it’s okay.

LEO

Your heart is making life sweeter for almost everyone. This may have something to do with your short part on The Walking Dead.

VIRGO

Make a plan and stick to it as much as you can. If you stray, tweak the plan and tell everyone you meant to do that, that it was all a part of the plan. Rhyme constantly if you can.

LIBRA

Your creative energy is just right for today’s social requirements, considering you’re bed-ridden with the flu.

SCORPIO

It’s not a great day for you to ask for special favors. There’s going to be a dark, ugly, back-alley catch, especially if you’re the general manager for an NFL team.

SAGITTARIUS

You’re as impressive as you’ve ever been. Unfortunately, you’ve never been very impressive to start with.

CAPRICORN

People are harder to deal with today. This is especially true when you’re a guy wearing bicycle shorts on the subway already. It’s only March, man.

AQUARIUS

You’re going through a quick change of some kind. Best stay away from sunlight and the full moon until we know what kind of change.

PISCES

Your coworkers may cause you more grief than they seem to be worth. Like my editor who hacks away at these horoscopes. Who needs him?!

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