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Congress Insecure about Military Shrinkage, States “It’s A Decent Size”


Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla., promises that the military is a decent size and gets the job done. (STAN HONDA/AFP/GettyImages)

Washington, DC— The Obama administration’s plan to replace the size of the military with skill in how it is used has many proponents in Congress of a large military insecure about the United States’ place in the world.

For the past century, foreign powers have been amazed at the ginormous size and unrelenting power of the American military to the point that the United States rarely needed to take its military out and flaunt it. Now Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel is proposing to shrink the Army to its smallest size in three-quarters of a century, and many Congress members are uncomfortable about being seen with such a miniscule size due to budget cuts.

“We are repositioning to focus on the strategic challenges and opportunities that will define our future entries into the global landscape: it’s not always going to be about size to get in. Sometimes it takes a bit of finesse,” Hagel said Monday at the Pentagon.

However, some members of Congress fear that the sheer size of the American military evokes an air of power and hides experience, which can prove to be just as costly. “When we enter a country, we want them to feel it,” explained Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla. “That’s the impact of strutting around with a huge military.”

“We used to call it ‘Shock and Awe,'” continued Rubio. “By taking away the size of the military, we’ll have to call it ‘Calm and Expected.’ Not exactly strong and exciting words to go with our military.”

“What we’re trying to do is solve our financial problems by castrating our military, and that can’t be done,” said Rep. Howard “Buck” McKeon, R-Calif., the House Armed Services Committee chairman.

With this military re-sizing, the United States would find itself at the mercy of China, the country that has bore the constant mockery of Americans due to the size of their military. “Who has big tanks? We have big tanks, bitches,” stated Chinese defense analyst Lin Mau.

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