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Arizona Businesses to Deny Service to Angry White Christians

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photo courtesy of Rocco’s Little Chicago Pizzeria: Tucson, AZ

Phoenix, AZ— In a retaliatory effort against Senate Bill 1062, which would allow discrimination in places of business based of religious beliefs, some businesses in the state are prepared to discriminate in their own way: to deny services to angry white Christians.

The bill’s policies would protect businesses that discriminate against the LGBT community, which some consider to be a slippery slope back to segregation on an even wider scale. If the bill passes, private businesses would be allowed to reject employees and/or customers if their beliefs and/or lifestyles are not in line with the business owner’s religious beliefs. Sales for electronic Gaydar equipment have risen 800%, and have even replaced metal detectors in some jewelry stores.

Freddie’s Family Restaurants, a chain in the Arizona area, plans to make customers fill out a survey to make sure that they are just as intolerant as owner Frederick Freddie and submit to a blood test to make sure there are no harmful, anti-Christian impurities in their system such as gayness, liberalism, and non-whiteness.

One business, Rocco’s Little Chicago Pizzeria in Tucson, AZ, has already instigated a witty response to the bill: a sign reading, “We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to Arizona Legislators.”

Other businesses have followed suit: Emilio Emilio, a boutique shop in women’s apparel, plans to keep anyone white and angry-looking from entering their stores, as this demeanor is usually connected to intolerant Christians.

“People say to me, ‘You can’t keep angry Christians out, that’s your religion,'” stated owner Emilio Emilio. “I say to them, ‘If you’re tolerant of discrimination, than you don’t love your neighbor like you would yourself,’ and that’s not very Christian. So go fuck yourself.”

It is unknown if the bill was an ill-advised ploy to hinder illegal immigrants from shopping, since 92% of the people of Mexico are Christian.

Senate Bill 1062 has already passed through the State House of Representatives, and will find itself on Governor Jan Brewer’s desk, who is a Republican, former small business owner, but had vetoed a similar bill last year. It is unknown if threats to allow her into satellite stores of Barneys or Michael Kors in Scottsdale, AZ.

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