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Nerdy Guys Broken by Ellen Page Coming Out

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Juno/FOX Searchlight Pictures

Las Vegas, NV— In a speech that sent shivers down the spines of fan-boys worldwide, actress Ellen Page came out yesterday during the Time to Thrive conference, the HRC’s (Human Right Campaign) first annual conference on the health, safety, and general well-being of LGBT youth.

Widely known as a geek heartthrob in films such as Juno, the X-Men franchise, Inception, and Super, Page had that sexy, girl-next-door look combined with being Canadian that gave man-children everywhere the idea that somehow, some way, they had a shot with her.

“I’ve only kissed a girl on TV, you know, the actual screen when Terry Farrell was on Deep Space Nine,” explained local guy who lives in his parents’ basement Mark Humperdump. “But for some reason, I always thought that, if I ever met Ellen Page, we would talk, she would laugh, and we would run off together to have a lot of sex forever.”

When asked to explain further, Humperdump stated, “It’s just a feeling. and it can’t be that far off. She looked pretty into Michael Cera in Juno, right?”

“I don’t know who I’m going to be able to fantasize about in a plausibly realistic situation when I masturbate now that Ellen Page has come out,” cried local dork Daniel Daniels. “Emma Stone, I guess. Maybe Jennifer Lawrence if I’m desperate. Or I’ll just have to hold out hope for another normal but hot actress to come through.”

While it seems unrealistic that Ellen Page’s self-outing was merely a way to connect with the conference audience, some dorks are still holding out hope. “Sure, she says she’s gay now, but Amber Heard was gay until she started dating Johnny Depp,” stated Daniels. “So who knows what may happen when she meets me. Hypothetically.”

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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