Delta HQ: Today, Delta Airlines announced a new policy that it hopes will foster an atmosphere of equal-opportunity hatred towards and from all its customers. This follows in the wake of a PR nightmare for Delta caused by a randomly-generated confirmation number that read “H8GAYS”. Other inflammatory confirmation numbers have also come to light, including “MSTRACE”, “WYTSNTA”, and “KKK666LOL”. The airline apologized for the confirmation numbers, insisting that it takes prejudice very seriously and seeks to administer an equal amount of hate and misery to all its passengers.
“Equal hatred is at the core of our airline’s mission,” said Delta CEO Peter McDoogleson. “Whether it’s a delay for no reason, a sudden bump up in price, or a completely inept and unfriendly staff, we want to provide customers with the same horrible experience time and time again. That’s the Delta way.”
In order to make that commitment clear, Delta’s “We hate everyone, equally” campaign seeks to bring better uniformity to its process of making passengers miserable. Staff will be going through special “sensitivity training”, which will ensure they will be able to pick out passengers who are resilient and cheerful and make sure their luggage is lost.
“It’s not an easy job,” explained hate trainer Bob McLott. “People are going on vacation, they’re with their families, they’re generally pretty happy. It takes a lot to break that down.”
The campaign also pushes for improvements to the airline’s systems. Flights will now be consistently oversold to assure no passenger is unfairly given security in their place on the plane. Passengers buying cheaper tickets will be charged an additional “just because” tax proportional to income to assure each person is similarly inconvenienced. Delays will be announced only minutes before departure to make sure passengers are all stuck at the Auntie Anne’s in the terminal until the plane decides to take off.
Finally, the confirmation number generating process will be getting a complete overhaul. Now when purchasing tickets, customers will be required to type in their biggest insecurity. This information will then be processed and incorporated into the confirmation number. For example, a woman with body image issues recently received the confirmation number “FATGRL”, and a recent divorcee was given a seat assignment next to a young couple that wouldn’t stop making out.
“This is why I fly Delta,” said the divorcee. “I know that, no matter how excited I am to get where I’m going, Delta will be there to fuck it all up.”