West Monroe, LA: In a recent news report that has surprised no one, bearded hillbilly patriarch Phil Robertson of the bearded hillbilly A&E reality show Duck Dynasty is believed to be a racist, homophobic bigot, which is considered the norm of most residents of the Louisiana bayous.
This obvious portrayal of Robertson that seemingly all but those at A&E were aware of was officially brought to light when Robertson conducted an interview with GQ Magazine, a men’s magazine focused on fashion, style, technology, and food that is normally not in line with hillbilly culture. In the interview, Robertson expounded on beliefs such as homosexuality being a sin along with beastiality and promiscuity, and explained how black people were happy in their station in life with his own “white trash” culture.
The interview has since spurred A&E to suspend Phil Robertson indefinitely from future programming for Duck Dynasty, as network executives were surprised that a bearded hillbilly wearing camouflage in the bayous of Louisiana that manufactures hunting gear for a living, including duck callers, could actually be a racist, homophobic bigot.
“Sure, the Robertsons didn’t exactly run around in white sheets burning crosses, but come on. Just look at them,” stated reverse racist Andrew DiPolente. “Every time I see them I hear banjo music in the background.”
It is believed that A&E suspended Phil Robertson in order to protect their advertising investment. Duck Dynasty currently averages a viewership of 14 million per episode, out of which 5 viewers may be offended by Robertson’s comments and boycott advertisers that support the show. The other 13,999,995 viewers may actually support advertisers even more so.