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Storm Leads to Tornadoes, Death, and Fallen Leaves Right Where Local Man Raked

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Long Island, NY: A fast-moving warm front swept across the Midwest of the United States on Sunday, creating a surprise storm that wrecked its way across several states.

The storm featured as many as 80 tornadoes and multiple hail storms which has left at least 6 people in Illinois killed, numerous people injured, thousands of homes without power, and a path of destruction that over-turned cars and all but wiped out a whole town.

If that wasn’t enough, the storm delayed the Bears game at Soldier field for almost 2 hours. Some fans feared that the game would never be finished.

“It was tough. We had to leave the seats because it was raining, and NFL players that don’t wear a Bears jersey are pussies that don’t like playing in the rain,” stated a mustachioed man in a Bears cap and aviators known only as Mart. “Ditka would have never let that fly. He would have had Walter Payton run it a thousand times while the defense buried Joe Flacco in the mud. end of story.”

A delayed football game wasn’t the worst of the damage by the storm, besides the loss of human life and property. The storm swept through Pennsylvania in the late afternoon and passed through New York early Monday morning, leaving even more damage in its wake. Homeowners in suburban residences in New York awoke to a scene of utter destruction: all of the leaves they had raked on Sunday had been for nothing, as the storm shook a giant portion of leaves out of trees throughout the lower Northeast.

“I literally started crying when I saw what happened,” stated local New Yorker John Lamar. “I spent 2 hours raking leaves yesterday to make my property look nice, and in one night, it was all gone. 2 hours of my life, wasted.”

“We just deployed a ton of aid to the Philippines for some little rainstorm, but we need aid right here, right now!” exclaimed local homeowner Nancy Rodgers, whose front and back yards were both covered with leaves hours after having her landscaping company work all day Sunday to clean her yard. “Where’s Obama now? He should be raking leaves in my yard!”

When asked if emergency leaf rakers would be deployed in New York in order to clear peoples’ lawns, the White House had no comment.

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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