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Congress Stages Protest Against Congress

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Washington, DC: With government shutdown now a reality, Representatives and Senators have taken to the streets in protest.  On Tuesday, October 1st, House majority leader Eric Cantor and Senate majority leader Harry Reid lead their respective parties onto the National Mall, bearing signs and chanting.  The event was a spectacle, with a bipartisan drum circle egged on by Nancy Pelosi doing hula-hoop, Mitch McConnell spinning poi and Ted Cruz leading his fellow Tea Partiers in a rousing game of hacky sack.

In traditional protest vein, their goals are vague, but their chants are catchy.  The protest aims to express discontent with Congress’s do-nothing mentality and its constant bickering and brinksmanship.

“This Congress is tearing our country apart!” stated Boehner with tears in his eyes. “We were elected to protect the interests of Americans, so the best thing we can do is protest this do-nothing Congress.”

Senate Majority leader Dick Durbin also took a stand, covered head-to-toe in American flag body paint and making excessive use of the people’s mic.  “It’s time somebody took a stand against the actions of this Congress.  All we’ve seen is partisan bickering and pointless posturing, it’s time we held them accountable!”  He concluded his speech with a spirited round of “this is what Democracy looks like” as people threw Louis Vuitton ties and Gucci blazers into the air.

In a surprising turn, President Obama declined to join the protest.  Instead, he spent the day commenting on news articles, explaining how protests never accomplish anything, and articulating his disappointment in everyone.  When one fellow poster asked why he didn’t get involved and help lessen the burden of the shutdown, Obama replied, “Dude, that’s totally executive overreach.  That’s not my style.”

Public opinion also appears to be against the protest.  Members of Congress took to the streets, causing traffic jams as recently furloughed government employees were on their way home.  One angry driver shouted, “Get a job!” to which Eric Cantor replied, “This is my job! I get paid to do this!”

As night fell, protesters on both sides of the aisle set up tents and hunkered down for takeout filet mignon from The Monocle steakhouse and Solo cups full of Dom Pérignon.  A bonfire was lit using renewable materials such as taxpayer dollars and business expense receipts.  Eventually, guitars appeared, followed by copious joints and other illicit substances.  The concept of federally-subsidized love was discussed and quickly amended to apply only to the top 10% of the population.

DC police officers were uncertain how to handle the situation.  “Usually, we’d just lock ‘em all up,” explained police chief Donald McMurphy. “But, I mean, this is Congress.”

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