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Man Claims There is Nothing to Do, Entire Earth Exists Around Him


            guy_couchChicago, IL: On a recent day off from work, Chicago resident Dale Woodruff claimed that there was “nothing to do” despite an entire Earth full of endless possibilities existing right around him. Woodruff first made his claim after waking up, plopping down on his couch, and channel surfing on his television for a grand total of four minutes.

Not only did Woodruff fail to get back up, make some breakfast, and take a goddamn shower for another two hours, he also continued to repeat his claim to himself that there was “nothing to do” even as he neglected a pile of video games just next to his sofa. It would have been so easy for him to just play one of those for mere entertainment but, even though he hasn’t even finished two of said games, he declared that they were, “too easy for him.”

After going through the effort to get all cleaned up after a good shower and shave his stupid face, Woodruff merely laid back down on the couch and refreshed the same Reddit page multiple times. After checking his Facebook and noting from a friends’ status that he and several other friends were out playing Ultimate Frisbee in the park, with the extension that, “anyone who wants to is welcome to join,” Woodruff figured that his apparently ungodly level of Frisbee skill would be too much for the mere commoners at the park and went back to refreshing the Reddit page.

After another couple of hours refreshing Reddit pages and reading Wikipedia plot synopses of movies he didn’t have any intention of seeing, Woodruff placed an order for pizza online even though there was a perfectly good farmers market down the street. Once again, Woodruff’s friend placed out an open invitation for anyone who missed playing Ultimate Frisbee to join them at a bar afterwards, but the well-known flake apparently decided that Internet pornography was a much better alternative to showing his friends he enjoys their presence.

As an earner of decent income, Woodruff could very well have begun planning a vacation or, at the very least, showing some semblance of productivity and heading out to buy more silverware, an activity that has been high on his “list of productive things to do,” a Microsoft Word file hidden in the dark recesses of his hard drive.

Although Woodruff may have initially begun his descent through his computer’s endless amount of files that could be erased to find said document, he stumbled upon his folder of internet pornography, cleverly labeled “Tax Return Info” to ward off friends or family digging through. In all likelihood, he was looking for that folder anyway. Despite there being plenty of real, interesting women in the city and even among his group of friends enjoying drinks after Frisbee, as of press time Woodruff was still enjoying the contents of said folder.

About Author


Patrick is a comedy writer living in Chicago. He enjoys writing articles that hopefully make people chuckle and think, "Hey, that was pretty alright." He does that here and he also does it over at Man Cave Daily. If you thought something he wrote was pretty alright, boy howdy he sure does appreciate it.

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