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People Now Wondering Where They Can Go Without Shit Exploding


            New York, NY: Following the latest tragedy of the Boeing 777 plane crash in San Francisco, concerned Americans are now wondering if there is anywhere they can go without shit exploding.

“It just seems like there’s been a lot of shit exploding this year,” said Manhattan resident Charles DuPage. “At first it seemed like it was going to mostly be about terrorism, but now just a bunch of other shit is exploding, too. The fertilizer plant in Texas? That was where people just went to work. What if shit starts exploding at my job?”


Think you’re safe from a pool exploding? Think again, because, well, why wouldn’t it?

2013 has been rife with high-profile tragedies, many caused by deliberate or accidental explosions. Brooklyn resident Carl Henderson referenced the devastating events in Boston, stating, “If I want to go run a marathon and maybe, I don’t know, prove something to myself or whatever, now all I can think about is that maybe some asshole will make a bunch of shit explode and ruin it for everyone.”

Even if the explosions aren’t deliberately set off by someone looking to instill fear and panic, Americans are concerned that, in the wake of recent events, sometimes shit will just explode by accident.

“I feel like every time I go out now, something might just explode,” said West Village resident Carrie Walker. “And it’s not too far off, either. I mean, people get in car wrecks and stuff like that every day, and sometimes even those explode a little. There’s at least fire.”

It is of note that most people experiencing this fear are of relatively affluent socioeconomic standing and have learned in depth about the tragic events of 2013 from coverage on 24-hour news channels.

Residents of areas with more average crime appear to have responded to these events less drastically, with Chelsea resident Wayne Howard stating, “I’m worried I’m going to die, like, most days. And if not die by getting stabbed or caught in some gang activity, at least just mugged. The possibility of also exploding doesn’t really factor too high for me. All of these events are really tragic and horrible, for sure, but I really don’t have the energy to worry about exploding on top of all of this other shit.”

About Author


Patrick is a comedy writer living in Chicago. He enjoys writing articles that hopefully make people chuckle and think, "Hey, that was pretty alright." He does that here and he also does it over at Man Cave Daily. If you thought something he wrote was pretty alright, boy howdy he sure does appreciate it.

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