New York, NY: Recent announcements from former Attorney General Eliot Spitzer and former Representative Anthony Weiner to run in political races in New York City have, once again, initiated speculation on their sordid personal lives.  Their announcements are not without precedent. New York City is widely viewed as a safe haven for people who generally don’t fit into American society.  Manhattan, an island barely attached to the rest of the country, presents an area of unique geographic interest to those barely attached to reality.  Not to mention, NYC has always been friendly towards perverts.

weiner_spitzer“It’s the city that never sleeps,” said Weiner in a press conference. “Because everyone’s up all night masturbating.”

Spitzer and Weiner have both launched campaigns to win back the public’s trust.  Spitzer fell from grace when he was discovered to be patronizing prostitutes.  The public was shocked that an Attorney General would involve himself in a scandal that didn’t involve enormous bribes and lost faith in his powers of judgment.  Weiner, on the other hand, was discovered to have texted pictures of his Anthony to several women.  This was devastating to both the media and the press, who were stunned to find out these women were neither underage nor his secretaries.

The two politicians, finding common ground in perversion, have joined forces to initiate the unfortunately named Weiner-Spitzer campaign.  Weiner, who is running for Mayor, has pledged to work together with Spitzer, who is running for city comptroller, to control the Big Apple’s expenditures.  This is a bold platform, as it means controlling the budget of a city populated by Starbucks baristas paying for studios in the East Village.

But Weiner-Spitzer have a plan.  Spitzer plans to invest much of the city’s budget into a commodity yet unnamed but which he has insisted is “recession-proof”.  He has also suggested that this commodity might be used to resolve complaints about police brutality from the NYPD.

“Trust me, with this solution, no one will complain about stop-and-frisk ever again,” Spitzer said with a wink.

Weiner, for his part, has pushed for greater transparency in government offices.  He has drawn up an audacious plan where all new hires will be run by his desk for approval.  For those unable to meet with him in person, he has suggested compiling a list of their phone numbers for what he referred to as a “personal touch.”

After some initial hiccups where promotional materials featuring the wrong Weiner were drawn up, the campaign is off to a good start.  But, just in case, the duo have a backup plan.  They intend to place ballot boxes in Brooklyn and legalize marijuana.  That way no one north of Midtown will ever come vote and Brooklynites will get lost on their way to vote.

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