Austin, TX: As common knowledge of 3D printer capabilities continues to grow, a bunch of dicks from Texas decided that the best way to let people know more about them was to ruin them for everyone.
University of Texas law student Cody Wilson released schematics to put together a gun from parts made in a 3D printer in the name of “liberty,” but really has just made the already expensive and nigh out of reach 3D printers less available to people, as Congress and people who are afraid of crazy other people with the ability to print guns like they do “Missing Cat” signs are rightly having a full-fledged shit-storm about it.
Senator Dick Durbin (IL) was unhappy to hear of the development, stating, “Oh great, something else I have to make my interns research so I can read 3 days worth of articles to figure out how the Sam Shit we’re going to regulate it.”
Also unhappy was local Austin resident Brent Hammond, though for his own, unique reasons. “I saw a guy make a companion cube from the Portal games on reddit with a 3D printer,” a forlorn Hammond stated.
“Now because some dicks thought it would be a good idea to show a cool thing making dangerous weapons, everyone’s going to go bat-shit about it and make it way hard to get for everybody else. Seriously, man. Why? Liberty?” Hammond went on to question what liberties were being denied to a young white male law student in Texas. Wilson had no comment as of press time, but it is assumed that his answer would probably have something to do with, “lots of guns” and not having them.
Recently, 3D printers have been shown to have remarkable capabilities, including synthesizing pizza and possibly other foods from nutrients and flavors in a powder form mixed with water. NASA would like to utilize this technology to possibly feed astronauts on long-term missions in the future, such as to Mars or beyond. As futuristically, sci-fi awesome as this sounds, we probably won’t hear too much about it in the coming days as most sentences involving “3D printers” are now likely to also include the words, “regulation,” “guns,” and “dicks.”
The current controversy surrounding the use of a 3D printer to create weapons prompted its inventor, Charles Hull, to speak out. “We had a good thing going, you guys, really.”
Hull continued, “You didn’t have to go and be dicks about it and start making guns. You could have made whatever you wanted. You could have even made a fleshlight or something, I don’t care. But then you just had to make guns. The one thing that could subject 3D printers to massive regulation, and you just had to do it. No one’s taken away real guns yet; you could have just lived in a world where no one was worried about 3D printers and just had more fleshlights!”