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President Obama Comes Out of Conservative Closet

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Washington, DC: This past week, President Obama unveiled his plan to cater to groups heretofore underrepresented in his administration, specifically radical conservatives, conspiracy theorists, and Dick Cheney enthusiasts.  Throughout his first term and into his second, Obama has shown little consideration for the assertions of these groups, but recent actions by his administration have shown a willingness to learn.

Fox News pundits have been insisting that the Obama Administration is selectively persecuting conservatives since his swearing in.  However, Obama followed a partisan path of only targeting radical conservatives if they live in the Middle East.  American conservatives have remained noticeably unmolested, much to the chagrin Fox News’ narrative writers.

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President Obama may be celebrating Halloween early.

But last week, the White House initiated the first part of its plan to reach out to conservatives by spreading word of the IRS targeting conservative groups for additional scrutiny in their applications for non-profit status.  When the initiative was first unveiled, Fox News nationwide went offline for a few minutes of collective political orgasm.  When they returned, they were flushed with the afterglow of seeing a new, bipartisan side of the President.  Conservative host Bill O’Reilly had difficulty reporting the story without breaking into girlish giggling.

The second piece of the outreach effort also came last week, responding to conservatives’ insistence that Obama is out to censor the press.  Department of Justice officials seized the cell phone records of the Associated Press in the biggest invasion of press privacy since Nixon.  This also scored points with the left-wing conspiracy theorists, who had found hits on their “9-11 was an inside job” websites dropping dramatically.  Conservative media jumped into high gear, comparing Obama to all the classic autocrats; Stalin, Hitler and Mao.  The night of the unveiling of the scandal, hundreds of future conservatives were conceived.

Of course, the White House has denied involvement in either of these scandals.  Obama himself went before the press to claim he never knew about any of these actions in a display that showed why he went into politics and not into acting.  He then ordered all conservatives to leave the room and began yelling about the glories of solar power and welfare.

The Administration has hinted at some big plans for appealing to the radical right and left.  Obama is considering nominating Reverend Wright to the newly formed Department of Atheism and has tapped Bill Ayres for a new secretarial position, Secretary of Nazi-Muslim-Socialism.  He’s also reached out to China for new talks on what to do to evict Israel from Palestine.  Republican leaders were unable to comment on these developments, being too busy in bed with their wives and husbands.

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