Toluca Lake, CA: On Monday, Betty Moonshadow felt abnormally tired after an especially long day at the free range chicken farm she manages with her life partner and decided she needed an all natural pick-me-up. She climbed into her Toyota Prius and drove to her local Whole Foods for a shot of wheatgrass. After gulping down the rejuvenating liquid, she was shocked to discover that the wheat grass she had consumed was actually a grass-fed variety grown in Malibu.
“I immediately shoved my finger down my throat, “she said. “There was no way I was going to keep cannibal wheatgrass in my body. I would rather eat garbage.”
After expelling the cannibalistic liquid onto the shoes of C-List celebrity Andy Dick, Betty demanded to speak to a manager. While she waited, Andy Dick became “verbally aggressive and frightened the line of people waiting for their hormone-free Gouda,” according to one witness, and was escorted from the store by the assistant manager of the organic pretzel department.
The manager of the Whole Foods, Bernard Roosevelt (no relation to Theodore or Franklin Delano) arrived on the scene and apologized profusely for the foodie faux pas. Betty, however, a vegan for seven years and a firm opponent of Triticum aestivum (common wheat) cannibalism, would not be silenced until all grass-fed wheatgrass was recalled and removed from the store shelves.
Mr. Roosevelt (again, no relation to any presidents), himself a vegan and natural grass supporter, immediately complied and removed all grass-fed wheatgrass from the shelves. While it is estimated that disposing of the wheatgrass will cost the store approximately six thousand dollars, Mr. Roosevelt doesn’t seem concerned.
“That’s the last time Whole Foods will purchase Wheatgrass from Ed Begley, Jr.,” said Roosevelt.