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Ryan Gosling Role of Hollywood Hottie to be Filled by Joe Schmo

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gosling_painter

Hey girl, I lost the clasp to my overalls strap. Help me undo the other?

Tampa, FL: Last month, it was announced that Canadian actor Ryan Gosling would be taking a break from acting. Gosling held a press conference at the Beverly Hills Hotel to announce his intention, much to the chagrin of millions of Americans who are consistently annoyed by the inane ramblings and complaints of countless actors who swear that being a movie star is much more difficult than the average person could possibly fathom.

“I’ve been doing it too much. I’ve lost perspective on what I’m doing. I think it’s good for me to take a break and reassess why I’m doing it and how I’m doing it. And I think this is probably a good way to learn about that. I need a break from myself as much as I imagine the audience does,” said Gosling at the press conference, while the gathered press mumbled curses under their breath.

While the news came as a shock to many, especially his teenage female fans, others viewed this as an opportunity. Roy Arnold, 33, is one of those people. Roy, a Tampa native who works part time as a house painter for his uncle, was pleased by the news.

“I saw it as a sign,” said Roy. “I mean, I’ve been painting houses for fifteen years and knew all along that it wasn’t what I wanted to do. I should have been an actor and Ryan’s break is giving me the chance to follow my dream of becoming a movie star.”

Roy freely admits that he doesn’t possess matinee idol looks. However, while he is fifty pounds overweight and, by his own estimation looks like “a cross between Clint and Ron Howard,” Roy thinks he has that something special that will capture the hearts and wallets of moviegoers across the world.

“I have the ‘it’ factor,” says Roy confidently.

“It’s true,” said his mother, Norma Arnold. “Roy has always been special.”

His father, Roy Sr. agrees. “Roy was in a seventh grade play – I think it was ‘Death of a Salesman’ by the Jewish fellow who was married to Marilyn Monroe before she offed herself and he played Howard Wagner, Willy Loman’s boss. Even though he was only on stage for, like, two minutes, his performance brought the house down. There wasn’t a dry eye in John F. Kennedy Middle School’s auditorium when that play was done.”

Asked if he has done any acting since then, Roy frowns. “No. I had a real job.”

Roy has put in his two week’s notice at his job and plans on packing up his 1997 Honda Civic when he receives his final paycheck.

He is confident that by this time next year, he will have “two to four” films in the theatres and will be dating either Mila Kunis or Taylor Swift.

“Or maybe I’ll just date both,” he winks.

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