Washington, DC: Today, a joint commission of Republicans and Democrats called a press conference to announce they had finally come to an agreement and passed landmark gun control legislation, an act that seemed lost last week. President Obama was on hand to congratulate senators and representatives of Congress in person, eventually taking the podium to express how glad he was to see parties reaching across the aisle for the good of the American people.
“It’s really inspiring to see how much we can accomplish when we cooperate,” stated President Obama. “Today, we put the country first and didn’t let special interests have their way. I am confident that our new leaders will lead us into a new era of progress.”
The Gun Control Act of 2013 cedes the federal government’s ability to regulate the sale and manufacture of firearms to gun manufacturers, overseen by the NRA. It also mandates, in a provision called the LaPierre Doctrine, that all states properly arm their teachers, employees and politicians. The measure will be funded by large cuts to welfare programs. Instead of monthly payments, welfare recipients will be mailed hunting rifles and invited to get their food the old fashioned way. Extra monthly munitions will be based on number of dependents.
The GCA, according to analysts, is just the next step in a trend exhibited by Congress. The most recent evidence of this trend was the recent defeat of background checks for gun sales.
“Expanding background checks would just flag more people as having ‘basic criminal intent.’ Who wants to be labeled a potential criminal? No one, that’s who,” explained political pundit Ben Gleck. “The American people have spoken!”
Though the measure had been supported by 90% of the American public, only 1% of the American public is supported by Congress. This misunderstanding was cleared up by the defeat of regulation. Now the GCA cuts out the middle man and allows legislation to come directly from the source.
Congressmen like John Boehner are excited at the prospect of the GCA. “I’m just glad I don’t have to argue the merits of assault weapons anymore. Do you know how hard it is to justify allowing felons to buy high-capacity ammunition? I didn’t come to Washington to legislate, dammit.”
The NRA, for their part, accepted the mantle of responsibility soberly. Wayne LaPierre, wearing a vest made out of rifle rounds and a crown fashioned from hand grenades, appeared on the steps of the Capitol to address a crowd of reporters. “Speaking on behalf of the NRA the gun manufacturers we stand for, we solemnly accept this great responsibility placed on us by the American people. In our legislating, we promise to be fair and compassionate as only the owners of heavy weaponry can be.”
The GCA sets a precedent that, in the future, more powers of government might be up for auction. BP has expressed interested in purchasing the EPA, while McDonald’s has considered joining with competitors Burger King and Taco Bell in a bid for the FDA. The government has tentatively signaled it would be interested in these deals, barring better offers from overseas.