It’s been a foggy night, and I can’t tell if the stars are there or have all burst and become black holes
.
No matter. I’ll wing this week’s horoscopes. It probably won’t make much of difference on my 50-50 shot of being right.
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ARIES
You feel incredibly energetic. If you were struck by lightning, this may be a bad thing, unless you become a super-hero who shoots electricity out of his hands.
TAURUS
Try not to stay focused on any one thing or person for too long today. You’ll go cross-eyed.
GEMINI
You’ve got terrific ideas, but now is not the time for further thinking! If you start wondering how those ideas can possibly be implemented in the real world, they’ll go from “terrific” to “horse shit” in a hurry.
CANCER
You need to flaunt what you’ve got. Unless you can get arrested for it. Then you’ll meet some people that will make you flaunt it.
LEO
Your ability to resist pressure is making waves today. If that isn’t the beginning of a coast-clearing tsunami, I don’t know what is.
VIRGO
Let others do the talking today. The “I’m awesome” speeches really just mean the exact opposite of what you’re saying.
LIBRA
Things are sure to get weird later in the day. Don’t worry, weird is interesting, at least, until you find yourself singing “Shoop” at McDonald’s in your underwear and German military cap. Just saying…
SCORPIO
Be careful with following through on your dark ideas today. This type of moon usually spawns the evil villains who fail, or become werewolves.
SAGITTARIUS
Show off your generosity today. It’ll go a long way in public opinion. Well? You gonna give me some money or what?
CAPRICORN
You need to deal with some difficulties today. Socks go on before shoes. There. Now you’ve dealt with them.
AQUARIUS
Do you know how to compromise? Look it up and go do it, or else you’ll end up in the Mid West writing horoscopes based on stars that you’re looking at through a magnifying glass.
PISCES
Take a class or find someone who understands your needs better than even you. You obviously don’t have a clue if you eat paste and wash your hair with motor oil.