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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 4-15-2013


It’s been a foggy night, and I can’t tell if the stars are there or have all burst and become black holesastrologist.

No matter. I’ll wing this week’s horoscopes. It probably won’t make much of difference on my 50-50 shot of being right.









You feel incredibly energetic. If you were struck by lightning, this may be a bad thing, unless you become a super-hero who shoots electricity out of his hands.


Try not to stay focused on any one thing or person for too long today. You’ll go cross-eyed.


You’ve got terrific ideas, but now is not the time for further thinking! If you start wondering how those ideas can possibly be implemented in the real world, they’ll go from “terrific” to “horse shit” in a hurry.


You need to flaunt what you’ve got. Unless you can get arrested for it. Then you’ll meet some people that will make you flaunt it.


Your ability to resist pressure is making waves today. If that isn’t the beginning of a coast-clearing tsunami, I don’t know what is.


Let others do the talking today. The “I’m awesome” speeches really just mean the exact opposite of what you’re saying.


Things are sure to get weird later in the day. Don’t worry, weird is interesting, at least, until you find yourself singing “Shoop” at McDonald’s in your underwear and German military cap. Just saying…


Be careful with following through on your dark ideas today. This type of moon usually spawns the evil villains who fail, or become werewolves.


Show off your generosity today. It’ll go a long way in public opinion. Well? You gonna give me some money or what?


You need to deal with some difficulties today. Socks go on before shoes. There. Now you’ve dealt with them.


Do you know how to compromise? Look it up and go do it, or else you’ll end up in the Mid West writing horoscopes based on stars that you’re looking at through a magnifying glass.


Take a class or find someone who understands your needs better than even you. You obviously don’t have a clue if you eat paste and wash your hair with motor oil.

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