The stars are angry, my friends. I can tell because of my telescope, not because I can see them up close. No, I keep the view protector on, so I can’t see a damn thing.
No, I feel the stars, like a good astrologist. Here is what I feel about your horoscopes.
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ARIES
Don’t worry about the odds. You just need to make sure that you’re pushing toward success! Just look at the Houston Astros.
TAURUS
You find yourself opening up a bit mentally and understanding someone or something quite a bit more. Unfortunately, it may be about that homeless guy in front of the convenience store who thinks Dodo birds are attacking him.
GEMINI
Taking action gets you further than thinking today. When it comes to evil thoughts, that’s true every day, since acting on evil thoughts usually lands you in jail.
CANCER
Try not to worry too much about the way today is going. It’s not the end of the world. And if it is, no sense worrying about indecent exposure charges.
LEO
You may be incredibly excited about some recent change you’ve made, but nobody else is! What do you expect when you decide to sing everything you would normally say?
VIRGO
Your energy is strong today, and you should find that it’s much easier than usual for you to push forward in a direction that feels right. Especially in a good, well-lit Hadoken.
LIBRA
It’s a weird day, so beware of anything that seems out of place. It could be a disaster if there’s no toilet where there used to be.
SCORPIO
You and a friend or colleague are unusually in sync today, so make the most of it! It’s not every day that you can synchronize a Robot dance.
SAGITTARIUS
You are not as energized as you have been, but that doesn’t mean you have to shove D batteries up your ass. Then again…
CAPRICORN
You have what it takes to push yourself through today’s challenges. Your first challenge? Tear this tissue in half.
AQUARIUS
You are feeling just a little too tired to take care of everything today, so take care of the most important thing: a nap. Which I what I will be doing after I finish these horoscopes.
PISCES
Your team (friends, colleagues, or whoever) needs a change, and only you know it. Unless you are the owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars. Then your changes should not be trusted.