Bill Gates Offers $100k to Get Nerds Laid, Condoms

| March 26, 2013 | 0 Comments

Seattle, WA: This week, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation announced a $100,000 grant to whoever can create the new generation of condoms.  Gates, being the chairman of Microsoft, will likely be looking for something as innovative and efficiently designed as the Windows operating system.

In a press conference Monday, Gates told reporters, “I’m looking for the next big thing.” He quickly added, “Or average-sized thing, you know, size doesn’t really matter.”billgates_condom

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation’s rationale is that the major issue with using condoms is the loss of pleasure experienced by men.  This statement received a great deal of support from experts in the field of Math and Physics and was somewhat less warmly received by psychologists and social workers.

“It is important to have someone like Gates recognizing the importance of this issue,” Said chemist Jimmy McNeilson. “Sex is about two people coming together to bring a man to orgasm.  If you lessen male pleasure, what’s the point?”

Already, there’s been a flood of ideas pouring in to the Foundation.  One of the more promising creations fuses the traditional design with latest in nanotechnology.  The result is a device which perfectly simulates the sensation of sex even before actual intercourse.  This seems like the front-runner, although concerns have been raised about the threat this may present to human relationships.

Another idea is a condom that, through a series of portable generators and mirrors, creates a spermicidal shield made entirely out of light.  When moved, the condom produces a strangely familiar humming sound.  The design held promise until it was locked into a lawsuit by LucasArts.

Of course, along with these innovative projects has come a number of less popular ones.  For example, there is the condom designed to appeal to religious groups. This creation is more or less an ordinary condom with the tip shaped like a crucifix.  This is an improvement on the earlier design proposed by Pope Francis I himself, which was just a condom with a hole in it.

A surprise entrant was Apple computers, which developed the iCum and iCum Nano, in order to appeal to a wide market.  Unfortunately, the iCum will be incompatible with Android users and its proprietary format means an Apple employee will need to calibrate it on first use.

Microsoft has responded with its own design, nicknamed the Microsoft Condom.  The condom includes an interface strangely similar to the iCum, with a variety of touch-activated features and 4G connectivity.  The downside is that it requires frequent firmware updates and occasionally during intercourse will turn blue and need to be restarted.

Written by Ben Batorsky

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Category: Business, National

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