Decatur, IL: Jonathan Lipnicki, the diminutive star of Jerry Maguire and The Jeff Foxworthy Show has been named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year for 2013. Lipnicki, who at 22 is only 5’3,” was overjoyed when presented with the news.
“I’ve been a runner-up for three years in a row,” said Lipnicki, who is currently starring in a show called MotherLover (which has not aired on any television channels in the United States, Canada, or Mexico – but is rumored to be the number six show in Singapore). “So it is about time that I won this damn thing.”
Richard Stengel, Time Magazine’s current Managing Editor, agrees. “Last year, it was close between him and Obama. But Obama edged out in the lead, because he was re-elected and did some other things, while MotherLover has still not aired in the United States. And while I realize that 2013 is far from over and a lot can happen between now and New Year’s Eve, I have faith that Motherlover will air before year’s end and will change lives.”
“In 2011, it was ‘The Protester,'” complained Lipnicki. “That’s not even a real person. That’s a whole bunch of Arabs who threw rocks and bombs or whatever at the Egyptian President because of something to do with the Pyramids.”
“He’s right,” said Stengel. “That was our bad. The uprising got us in a tizzy and we momentarily forgot how amazing Mr. Lipnicki is. The human head weighs eight pounds, Jonathan?(quoting Lipnicki’s award-winning line in Jerry Maguire) Well, your heart weighs a million. Congratulations, buddy!”
To celebrate his win, Lipnicki plans to snort cocaine off of the stomachs of strippers.