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Local Jerk Plans Itinerary for Titanic II


New York, NY: When the world learned that Australian billionaire Clive Palmer was building a replica of the biggest disaster to ever float through the sea, most people believed that he was spitting in the face of destiny and leaving cab-fare on the night-stand. The idea of re-making a ship that sunk, leading to the death of 1500 passengers, can only be seen as a titanic PR stunt that. If fully replicated, the only good that could truly come from the voyage of Titanic II would be some clever material for the darkest comedians.

How far will this replica go?

How far will this replica go?

One such comedian reveling in the re-enactment is Paul Emmerlan, who created an itinerary for himself if he was lucky enough to board the ship.

“The first thing I would do when I got on the ship would be to hold survivor races from the crew deck to the life boats on the top deck,” Emmerlan explained. “Players would weave through an obstacle course of water blasts, abandoned luggage, and screaming people to replicate the rush for survival by the original Titanic’s passengers. The winner would receive a free drink at the bar to quiet the horror involved with having to knock over small children and old ladies to survive.”

Mr. Emmerlan also planned to be a patron of the arts on the voyage, particularly music. “The next thing I would do is find a string quartet on the top deck and keep showing them with dollar bills to get them play “Nearer, My God, To Thee” over and over again, and see how random people react. If they’re on the boat, they probably know the song.”

Of course, Mr. Emmerlan is aware that not everyone would enjoy his voyage activities. “at some point, I’ll probably be brought before the captain of the ship and accused of with some vague maritime crime like ‘causing a panic’ or ‘disturbing the peace.’ Before they jettison me into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, I’ll try to get the captain to play a game of ‘I Spy’ from the bridge,” stated Emmerlan. “I’m sure I’ll be the winner when I say, ‘I spy with my little eye something that begins with an ‘I’,’ since the captain probably won’t have an answer for me, except maybe ‘isolation.’

While tickets for the Titanic II cruise may not be available as of yet, Mr. Emmerlan is confident that he will make his dreams come true. “Even if I have to wear a petticoat and entertain passengers with bad sailor jokes, I’m getting on that boat. There are very few times that you get the chance to stand on the bow of the Titanic and scream, ‘I’m king of the world!’ while peeing into the ocean. Some things must be done.”

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