State of the Union 2013: Obama and the GOP Find Common Ground in Finger-Pointing


Washington, DC: Obama’s state of the union speech and the GOP’s response agreed on a common point: That it’s all the other guy’s fault.

Obama came out smiling and looking natural even though he wasn’t allowed to roll up his sleeves.  He shook his head at the Republicans in the room, pointed at them and said, “These guys, really.”


Blame, or gun control reference? You decide.

He then proceeded to tell the country that we’ve got a lot of work to do and that we’d better shape up or he was going to go “executive privilege” on our asses.  He insisted that Congress needed to put the country before party, jabbing a thumb at House Speaker Boehner behind him and saying, “Like this dude’s probably trying to figure out how to filibuster my speech.”

Boehner reacted by frowning even harder and tearing up a bit.

According to estimates, Obama’s speech contained 50% more hope and change than his previous state of the union.  He said America had to start being the Land of Opportunity again, not just New China.  He also insisted we needed to support entitlements because it’s important to keep our promises.

“Unless those promises deal with transparency or prisons in Cuba.  Let me just be clear, there,” President Obama added, quickly.

Obama also spent some time talking about climate change, giving a brief shout-out to Republican mole-person John McCain for his part in a bipartisan bill.  The camera panned to McCain to show him rubbing his hands together and offering the same smile he gave the crowd when he conceded the 2008 race.

One big takeaway from the speech was his suggestion that Congress raise the minimum wage, claiming, “Wal-Mart cashiers are getting really pissy.  And that’s a problem for America.” He also had the audacity to suggest the minimum wage be linked to inflation.

“Now that Twinkies are gone, we’re gonna have to give people a raise to make sure they can eat.  Bump them up to Mallomars or something.”

Obama ended with what everyone, or at least Ted Nugent, was waiting for: gun control. Republicans complained that his appeal was sneaky and manipulative, pointing to actual victims of gun violence to make his point.  A GOP aide was quoted as saying, “Using real people to make a point? Come on, that’s what celebrities are for.”

The GOP response agreed on Obama’s main point: that everything was the other party’s fault.  Marco Rubio, the GOP’s token Latino, translated the State of the Union into rich-speak.  He explained that he was parched from the stagnation of business, that government intervention was leaving his throat raw and he was thirsty for reform.  The speech was sponsored by Poland Spring.

American people also showed their unity in being capable of critical analysis and thought about the two speeches.  Within hours there were animated gifs of Obama giving a fist bump and compilation of Marco Rubio’s thirsty sounds.  With both government and society so solidly united, this looks to be a great year.

About Author

Leave A Reply