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Bad Sex Leads to Ass-Kickings by Ronda Rousey

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Los Angeles, CA: Science seemed to win again this past week as the UFC women’s champion who seems to break as many hearts as arms, Ronda Rousey, spoke once again about her sexual tendencies before a fight.

Ronda Rousey attempts to get off the night after another unexciting sexual encounter.

On Jim Rome’s Showtime show, Rousey explained that, “For girls, it raises your testosterone, so I try to have as much sex as possible before I fight.” This is counter to the myth about men abstaining from sex before a fight for fear of “jelly legs.”

While such news may have men clamoring to find other female fighters who look more like Ronda Rousey and less like Cris Cyborg, the idea that women improve their fighting aggressiveness through sex has one minor flaw: it may be that bad sex is the only good sex before a fight.

“It is true that the testosterone levels of a woman increase during sexual encounters. However, that level is usually deflated when orgasm is attained,” explained Doctor Paul Emmerlan, who isn’t really a doctor but “Doctor” is his real first name. “It is when orgasm is not attained that women become a pulsing ball of aggression who is not safe around the vicinity of woman nor man.”

It seems that bad sex is the cause of this rise of testosterone in women, and quite possibly Ronda Rousey. This brings up a contradiction in two man-codes: is the public awareness of bad sex worth having sex?

“Obviously, a man’s prowess in the bedroom is as important as a man getting into the bedroom,” stated Doctor Emmerlan. “Luckily for everyone, I am comfortable with how bad sex can be with me, and urge all attractive, female fighters to seek me out for sex the night before, or even hour before a fight.”

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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