Madison, WI: Today, in the wake of his reelection as governor, Scott Walker held a rally at the capitol to give an idea of his policies going forward.
“This was a victory,” Governor Walker began, “Against the anti-American forces we struggle with every day. Teachers. Union members. Always on the lookout for their next score under the guise of protecting their rights against corporate interests,” the Governor scoffed. “As if corporations have ever tried to take advantage of anyone!”
The Governor thanked “real America” for the millions of dollars in tax-free off-shore funds that supported his campaign. He called the victory an endorsement of his policies and promised to pursue a still more ambitious path in his “battle against the excesses of the working class”.
The first policy he intends to pursue is a revocation of accidental death benefits for workers. Under Walker’s new plans, workers will be required upon being hired to show evidence of a pre-dug burial plot in which the worker’s remains can be placed with minimal cost to the employer. The family of the deceased will be required to write a condolence letter to the employer for any hardship incurred by their family member’s untimely demise.
Another policy Walker proposed during his speech was a continuation of his fight for young minds in Wisconsin. Next fiscal year, he plans to divert the entire education budget for under-performing schools into the justice system. The goal would be to have prisons start holding classes and thereby eliminate the middle-man. This, Walker says, would eliminate the necessity of hiring school buses or teachers. Prison personnel would both guard and educate inner-city youth. Of course, they wouldn’t be paid more for it. The diverted funds would go to prison administrators who could absolutely be trusted to oversee this new combination penal-education system.
Walker explained that he was tired of “forward-thinking” policies and instead favored a innovative “backward” approach. “I want to take things back to the 1940s, the good old days. Remember how happy we all were then? Sure, half of us got wiped out by polio and rampant crime, but the people that survived were just so happy!”
Diane Hendricks, billionaire head of Wisconsin company ABC Supply, supports these new measures. “The governor is listening to the REAL citizens of Wisconsin now. It’s been so long since we had our voices heard. I mean, we’ve been asking why workers have rights for decades now!”
“Too long have we provided mediocre medical coverage, a barely sufficient education system and high-interest loans for students,” stated Walker. “They say you can’t squeeze blood from a stone. I say they’re not squeezing hard enough!”