Baseball Implements Steroid Clause to Re-Gain Interest


Spring has arrived. The sight of freshly mowed grass, the sound of the first crack of a bat and the smell of cracker jacks.

A sight for Opening Day

Indeed, Major League Baseball is back, and with it, the spirit of change.

Whether a subtle rule amendment, divisional realignment or basic player transactions, no MLB season is ever quite like the last. Entering the 2012 season, MLB Commissioner Bud is as anxious and excited as every MLB fan is for the implementation of the new “Okay Fine, Just One Guy” rule.

The new rule, which states that every team is permitted to have one (and strictly only one) player who may ingest or inject himself with unhealthy quantities of every performance-enhancing drug imaginable, hopes to be the first step in bringing back the offense that not long ago had MLB stadiums buzzing with excitement.

“Last year was absolutely horrible,” said Selig, in reference to the fact that 2011 was universally referred to as “The Year of the Pitcher” – due to the fact that MLB offenses were putting up record-breaking numbers in futility. “Some games were so boring to watch, I would often end up having to take a hit of crystal meth just to get through the last few innings.”

“With each team having one abnormally-ripped player on their roster, we now at least have a small chance of some in-game excitement.”

Selig is not alone. Ever since MLB started imposing strict performance-enhancing drug testing policies on players in the mid 2000’s, the heart and soul of baseball, the home run, started to disappear from the game. The 1990’s saw an explosion in offense, and especially home runs, which brought fans out to the games in droves in hopes of witnessing the next record breaking four-bagger.

After years of idolizing record-breaking sluggers such as Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds, fans had absolutely nothing to cheer for anymore. In fact, the 2011 American League Most Valuable award was given to a pitcher, Justin Verlander (who also won the Cy Young award), marking the first time the award was not given to a hitter since 1992 – nearly 20 years ago.

“I enjoy watching every sport other than baseball because of the huge players and how physical the games can get,” explained Selig. “NBA players starting fights in the stands, NFL players putting bounties out on each other, hockey players punching each other out legally, what’s not to like?”

“Let’s face it. If it wasn’t for the violent and electric jolt that the home run brings to baseball, we’d basically be watching a bunch of miniscule men playing catch on finely-manicured lawns. The “Okay Fine, Just One Guy” rule is at least a step in the right direction,” he concluded.

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