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Shia LaBeouf Decides on Fallback Career



Vancouver, BC- CANADA: Shia LaBeouf, the awkward-looking “star” of the famously horrific Transformers franchise has, after much consideration, decided on his fallback career. LaBeouf knows that, sooner or later, his luck will run out and moviegoers will realize that he lacks both the talent and the good looks required to be a marquee star. When this happens, the job offers will cease to arrive and he will need a second career. His career of choice? Punching bag.

LaBeouf, who has been beaten up approximately fourteen times by drunk strangers outside of bars in the past three years, claims that the new career path is the most logical. After all, he says, “I’ve gotten enough beatdowns to know what it’s like to be a punching bag.”

Michael Bay, the director of the Transformers films, as well as numerous other films that belong on the list of “Worst Movies Ever Made”, agrees. “I think it’s a brilliant move. I’m sure there are thousands of bar patrons just waiting for the chance to take a swing at Shia.”

“Hell, I’d pay twenty grand to kick him in the balls,” said Megan Fox, his soon-to-be-perpetually-unemployed costar. “And so would a lot of other girls I know. I can’t believe I had to kiss that beast onscreen.”

“I’d offer up three unemployment checks,” says John Parker, an unemployed truck driver who had a run-in with LaBeouf in 2010 outside of a pub in Ann Arbor, Michigan. “The only reason I didn’t hit him then was because he ran like a little bitch.”

“See?” said LaBeouf. “I told you. I’ll get rich off of getting my a** kicked, man. I freaking can’t wait, man.”

Postscript: After leaving the interview, LaBeouf began an argument with a group of lesbian bikers outside of a Popeye’s Chicken in St. Louis, Missouri. According to witnesses, LaBeouf threw a punch at the smallest of the women. She ducked his wild swing and proceeded to beat him senselessly until the police arrived. LaBeouf is currently recovering from his injuries at home and is looking forward to beginning his new career.

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