Follow Our Updates!
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • RSS Feed
  • Google+

Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 9-19-2011

0

Aries

ARIES

Family obligations are the center of your world right now, since there are only 95 shopping days til Christmas. What, too soon?

 

 

 

 


Taurus

TAURUS

Avoid working with any machinery today, particularly if you’re a Giants or Rams fan. Watching last night’s game could drive anyone to drink.

 

 

 

 


Gemini

GEMINI

You are feeling incredibly moody today. Don’t worry, this whole “Two and a Half Men” craze with Ashton Kutcher will pass, like the memory of a basic fender bender on the highway that cases more traffic than it deserves.

 

 

 

 


Cancer

CANCER

You may have to intervene when a friend wants to gamble on a risky prediction. Especially if the prediction is when the basketball lockout will be over. What, you didn’t hear? Of course not. The football lockout is still enough to complain about why your team isn’t up to standards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Leo

LEO

You’ll encounter an intriguing person today. Considering most of the people you meet are border-line walking corpses, the standards really aren’t that tough to break.

 

 

 

 


Virgo

VIRGO

Attending a family gathering will give you a fresh perspective on your future: you don’t want to turn out like them.

 

 

 

 


Libra

LIBRA

Throw a party for your friends and family — let them get to know one another. This will make the orgy proposition a little less weird.

 

 

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

Suspicious thoughts may be merely a manifestation of your fear. Either that, or you’ve been watching too much of Jesse Ventura.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Sagittarius

SAGITTARIUS

You are asking all the right questions today. Unfortunately, it’s about all the wrong things. “Is this moral” is a great question, but not if it’s about masturbating to a picture of Mother Theresa. The answer to that should already be known.

 

 

 



Capricorn

CAPRICORN

You’re totally focused on one person today. Just be careful that “focus” doesn’t become “knowing what toilet paper and shampoo they use”, as that can lead to “focused” being replaced with “stalking.”

 

 

 

 

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

Your emotional side is on a rampage today. No, it’s not “winning.”

 

 




Pisces

PISCES

Your great energy is helping you appreciate some new music — or maybe some older music you never really understood. This can be good news, unless those artists are “Justin Bieber” and “Air Supply”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About Author

avatar

Leave A Reply