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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 8-24-2011

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Aries

ARIES

If you’re feeling especially emotional right now, turn to your family. You’ll be pushing down feelings and have the emotional character of a piece of concrete in no time.

 

 

 

 


Taurus

TAURUS

Share your troubles with someone today, and be prepared to have them share their own. Just keep talking about your troubles really loud so you can’t hear them. No-one likes to be interrupted.

 

 

 

 


Gemini

GEMINI

Don’t be afraid of being called ‘cheap.’ They’re just jealous over how many solid pairs of shoes you’ve found at the dumps.

 

 

 

 


Cancer

CANCER

Focus all that good energy inward today. You’ll need it, since you haven’t had a date since Valentine’s Day. Self-Tantra, baby.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Leo

LEO

Your warm, quiet modesty is a real hit with the right people today. Particularly the ones who are trying to pass you on the corporate ladder. Use it to your advantage, and stick a leg out as they try to pass.

 

 

 

 


Virgo

VIRGO

If you’re at all close with your family, now is the time to get together and reconnect. That tsunami from the east coast earthquake can hit at any moment.

 

 

 

 


Libra

LIBRA

Life is a little too ridiculous right now, what with all the operatic feelings and major life choices lying in wait. Who can really decide whether to become a financial planner or a birthday clown these days?

 

 

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

Put in the extra hours and effort that may be required — you will see results, in the form of panting, scratching, and biting. It’s worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Sagittarius

SAGITTARIUS

You and a colleague or friend are somewhat out of sync today, but it’s nothing that can’t be remedied by some alone time. Reach-arounds are good like that.

 

 

 



Capricorn

CAPRICORN

You have no excuse for not dealing with today’s big issues, particularly if you’re on vacation and your big issues are whether to drink beer or liquor, and which wet T-shirt contest to visit.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

You are definitely over-thinking the situation, as you sometimes do. Knowing that and putting a stop to it are two quite different things. Alcohol always helps, for better or for worse.

 

 




Pisces

PISCES

Romance is supposed to be fun — if yours isn’t fun now, it’s time to take a break. Or you can try to follow Tenacious D’s FHG.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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