Texas State Fair to Introduce Deep-Fried Lard


Dallas, TX: With the state fair more than a month away still, organizers are concerned about flagging attendance rates in a down economy. Therefore, they have already begun parceling out tightly-held secrets about this year’s Texas State Fair, including the most important one: this year’s new deep-fried goodie.

While the recipe is considered top-secret by fair representatives, sources deep inside the state fair have confirmed that it involves taking frozen scoops of lard, rolling them in dough, and putting them in a deep fryer. Top scientists at the USDA have confirmed that such a process is, in fact, possible. “It’s disgusting as hell, and I don’t know why you’d do it, but it is technically possible to create such a monstrosity,” said Dr. Pyotr Venkmenn, head of Cardiac Studies at the USDA.

Dwight Johnson, the fair’s public relations representative, held a press conference to share this year’s cholesterol-laden surprise. “As y’all know, everything’s bigger in Texas. The guns, the hair, the potbellies, the federal subsidies… so once again, Texas is going to find itself home to the biggest and best fair treat yet: deep-fried lard balls.”

Mr. Johnson continued to explain away the decision. “I know them big government types up in DC won’t like it. They’ll call me and say, ‘Mr. Johnson, that deep-fried lard just isn’t SAFE! It’s not healthy! We want to step in and tell people how to eat and when to exercise and when to fart!’ But we’re just not havin’ that, people. Texas has threatened to secede from the Union for lesser reasons than this, so don’t treat on our lard balls!”

Sometimes-governor Rick Perry aired his support from his presidential campaign tour, which has been going on since 2009. “The great state of Texas has a long history of doing what the people want. That’s how we ended up with open container laws and with JR getting shot. And we’re not gonna stop now. Those pansy-asses up in Ohio came up with ‘deep-fried Kool-Aid’ this year. Can you believe that? The only Kool-Aid we drink down here comes from Mr. Jones out there in Jonestown.” [Mr. Perry’s media liaison later told reporters that those comments were in reference to Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones and his taxpayer- and NFL-subsidized Dallas Stadium.]

Behind the scenes, however, it is clear that some logistical changes are taking place to prepare for the fair’s new goodies. While the Texas State Fair already had the highest emergency-medical-staff-to-visitor ratio thanks to the “Drunken Pistol Shooting Contest” that takes places the last Saturday of the event, they are expected to more than double the number of medical staff on hand; organizers say the cost will be covered by cutting Medicare benefits. Likewise, a quick dip into the unemployment fund coffers will be needed to cover their new “Nobody Walks” program, wherein motorized scooters will be provided to every fair visitor.

In the meantime, organizers continue to focus on the state fair’s other main draws: this year’s musical tribute to abortion clinic bombings starring the Oak Ridge Boys, and the ever-popular “High School Football Steroid Expo” at the convention center.

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