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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 7-12-2011

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Aries

ARIES

Are you a person of action? Not today. You may even be dead. So it goes…

 

 

 

 


Taurus

TAURUS

Ease up and make sure that you aren’t taking any unnecessary risks. Nobody wants to clean up the aftermath of base-jumping gone bad in this July heat.

 

 

 

 


Gemini

GEMINI

When it comes to picking partners today, you are likely to be a very popular pick! Unfortunately, these picks probably have to do more with sports or hospital buddies than sex.

 

 

 

 


Cancer

CANCER

Self-nurturing can’t always be put on the back burner. Or any burner, for that matter, if you’re ever planning on having kids.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Leo

LEO

An ex is back! If you feel more romantic about them than ever, keep your distance. They’re your ex for a reason, whether it be trust issues, differences of taste, or the fact that she used to take the batteries out of the remote so that you couldn’t flip the channel from American Idol to South Park and keep you from getting up to manually change the channel with sex.

Relationships are hard.

 

 


Virgo

VIRGO

Today, you won’t let yourself out of your responsibility to be there for someone. Just be sure to cover your nuts while you’re sitting in for your friend at the cesspool dunk tank while wearing a sequined dress  and a clown nose.

 

 

 


Libra

LIBRA

If life is a see-saw, you’re sitting in the middle: extremely steady, but who really sits in the center of a see-saw? The action is on the ends.

 

 

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

Wonderful news is coming! Unfortunately, it’s probably wonderful because it has nothing to do with you.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Sagittarius

SAGITTARIUS

Mixing up the power roles in a newish friendship will show you where you belong. It will also show you if this is a friendship, or an S&M roleplay.

 

 

 



Capricorn

CAPRICORN

You need more structure in life. This could be just following through with tasks, or sticking with certain movie roles that you’re good at. I’m looking in your direction, Ryan Reynolds.

 

 

 

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

Friends are the family you choose, which means that you can also un-choose them. Which means they can also choose to bang your significant other in retaliation without worry that holidays with the family will get anxious.

 

 




Pisces

PISCES

Luck is on your side today, so enjoy a series of positive encounters. however, this doesn’t mean that you should wander into the bad neighborhoods thinking that they’ll accept a crusty old white man and drape him in their gang colors.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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