Los Angeles, CA: The gossip columns surrounding Charlie Sheen, CBS, and Jon Cryer’s bank statements were finally silenced today as CBS and Warner Bros. confirmed that the show Two and a Half Men would continue on for one last season. The catch? Charlie Sheen would not be on set.
Instead, America’s idiot Ashton Kutcher is set to take the reigns of the starring role, thus confirming the belief that the sitcom will go down in a ball of flames. The question remains, what dying-wail storyline will set the tone of the season?
“I think it’s pretty obvious that Charlie Sheen was playing a character playing Charlie Sheen,” explained show producer Chuck Lorre. “Can Ashton play a character playing Charlie Sheen playing a character playing Charlie Sheen? No. Ashton seems to have a hard time even playing Ashton, so casting him was a perfect way to destroy the series so that Charlie Sheen doesn’t get any residuals from the show’s syndication.”
With the suicidal casting call in place, the next step was to decide on a plot. “A lot of soap operas work a cast change by just having an audio disclaimer stating, “The role of so-and-so will now be played by this other so-and-so,” explained assistant script-writer Peter Brandis. “That just wouldn’t be weird enough for Two and a Half Men fans. They would just keep wondering where Charlie Sheen is and who that tall goofy scrub was that now lives in his house.”
While the script has not been released yet, ideas have been passed around. One plotline has Charlie Harper being murdered by long-time female stalker Rose(played by Melanie Lynskey). The rest of the season would be an immense flashback sequence featuring Alan Harper telling Jake about his childhood, with Ashton Kutcehr playing the role of young Charlie Harper.
A less viable script choice involves the back story of Charlie Harper going to Hawaii on vacation. There he is given a tour of a volcano by a surfer played by Ashton Kutcher. They find an ancient statue that exchanges their souls, and while the surfer-inhabited Charlie falls into the volcano while drunk, the Charlie-infested surfer goes home, where shark-jumping hijinks ensue.
Another script has Charlie Harper literally jumping a shark Fonz-style, except where The Fonz lands safely, Charlie is eaten by said shark. “This was one of the tougher script possibilities, because we would need someone to play Charlie. Calls have been made to Emilio Estevez, but if that doesn’t happen, we may go the route of CGI that was used to resurrect Arnold Scwarzenegger in the Terminator series.”
“We really don’t know which script is worse, or if we’ll go the route of alien abductions, alternate universes, or just put a Charlie Sheen mask on Ashton Kutcher and let him wing it,” explained Brandis. “Whichever plot we use, we promise that it will close out the series in a way that nothing more will ever be desired.”