Bel Aire, CA: After years of waiting while younger, more surprising celebrities passed on, the final chapter of death pools worldwide was closed yesterday. Dick Clark has defeated Elizabeth Taylor.
In a race few thought would last this long, Dick and Liz rode their wheelchairs into the latest decade, but the aftermath of a stroke was too strong for congestive heart failure, as millions of derelicts involved in celebrity death pools and had Dick Clark cashed in as their nemeses with Taylor finally dropped out as Taylor did herself.
“I can’t believe it. For a while I thought my bid was done for after Dick Clark had that stroke,” stated Steven Bartlett. “Some people thought I was destined to lose, but then Liz lost, and I…won. Does that sound sinister?”
Disturbing celebrity death-watch circles weren’t the only winners with Elizabeth Taylor’s passing, and it is rumored that both Ms. Taylor and Dick Clark were the last remaining benefactors of a tontine that they and other celebrities from the silver era had set up. Other’s involved were Ed McMahon, George Burns, and Ronald Reagan. Mr. Clark was in tears when he learned of the news.
“It’s taken so long to get to this point,” explained Dick Clark. “I even kept doing that New Year’s Rockin Eve garbage so I could suck the life-force out of my co-hosts during commercial breaks, all to be the victor of this tontine. Now, I don’t know what’ll keep me going. Maybe I’ll set another tontine up. I’ll outlive all of you bastards!”
When asked how he was connected to the deceased obituary writer of Ms. Taylor, Clark had no comment.